Remember the years when there were so many things you wanted you couldn't decide which of them to ask for? It seemed so hard to narrow the list down.
This year, it's hit me: there's no list. I don't know what I want. But, it's customary to write to Santa, so here I go.
How you doing? Well, I hope. It's been a tough old year here in the UK. How is the property market in Lapland? If you're in the line for a flat in the Midlands of England do give me a shout.
Things have been fine here. The roof started leaking back in October, but we're investigating why and hopefully getting close. Just be careful when you come down the chimney this year (lol).
OK, so I'm clearly skirting around an issue here (gah, you know me too well!). I'm aware it's the 21st already and I dunno what to ask for this year. And, I know, it's the first year this has happened. And it puts in you in a bloody awkward spot. Thing is, after lots of years of thinking I knew what I wanted (and you very generously obliging), I've come to a point where I just don't know.
I don't know what I want.
Remember that year - what, 1987? - when I asked for a 'My Little Pony' nursery and you brought it? That was a simple transaction. You earned the mince pies and milk that night, for sure. But it's not that simple any more. This year I'd like a meaningful exchange. The gift of a special other, or, y'know, some pyjamas that actually fit.
I can see your judgemental scowl from here. Tsk!
I had a few shit Christmases. Ok... OK!.. I'm not blaming you. (Alright, maybe a wee bit.) Could you not have made them better? And don't give me your 'it's all about the kids' crap, cos you know that me and all the parents are paying your rent.
'Kay, I'll cut the crap. For not asking too much from Christmases before, can I please have everything I want this year? Can I fall in love and it not be a mistake, get paid enough for an honest day's work, have a few adventures and some pretty things to look at?
I'll leave it with you.
PS - Your beard is totally old-fashioned these days - have you thought about doing Movember? And you should almost certainly get a Twitter account. Don't be a stranger, Lorraine xx