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  • I just want to explain why I've been in the hospital 8 times this year. I've written about Jen way back in May and how she had dumped me because of my lack of understanding. And, yes, I am still in love with her and I have a hard time letting her go. The devastation in my personal life has to do with my past where issues of all sorts came to my psyche. My abandonment issues, PTSD where I have been abused in every possible way, and the loss of love and self identity. I have stories about all the things that happened to me in the hospital and how I have been coping with my life. I am bipolar and schizoaffective where I believe due to trauma, I have developed this mental illness as well as the usage of all different types of hard drugs. I am trying to stay clean but have been on a bumpy road. But my relapses have been dwindling as my friend has been bringing me to A.A.

    In the hospital I have been in two fights where I had to defend myself from other men. I won one fight and was going to win the other until I got restrained by the staff. My medication has been very colorful this year and have been changing due to doctors and social workers thinking that I have a problem with violence. I am no saint.

    As for the internet problem, I am not a rich man. i can't afford internet and have to go to a coffee shop for free wifi. I am at a very good friend of mine's house right now and he is letting me use his internet.

    And it is very hard for me this time of year from October through January considering that I haven't any family and no one to go to for Christmas. ANd as for the apology, it was because I put myself in the hospital 8 times this year because of flash backs and dealing with my sanity. In the hospital, you go to groups and meet with the doctor and eat and socialize with the other patients and take meds when prescribed and then go to bed. And no they don't let you use the internet there. I have seen a lot of issues in these hospitals that I have been miserable by becasue of my past. Yes, I have a mental illness and it interferes with a lot of things in my life. i don't have a job and collect SSDI. I am handicapped mentally but am very intelligent.

    But mostly I believe in something that no one can take away from me. I believe in God and Buddha because I believe that they are the only ones that truly love me. I don't mean to upset you guys or feel any pity for me or anything of the sort. I just wanted to make this clear because in my writing I try to be very truthful in my experiences. If there is a twist then it's because it's to convey some sort of entertainment or message. And I don't want to upset you guys because really, I'm okay and I'm not angry at when I write this but more informing, that's all. Anyway, I'l be writing more so you guys get to know more about my stuff. Thank you for accepting me back.

    Love and best wishes,
    Andy Young Sam Hecker
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