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  • - Privatization of Government to Bring Efficiencies, Profitable Return
    Battery Park, JC Wire

    At a press conference held today at Manhattan’s southern tip, an excited Mitt Romney and running mate Paul Ryan announced their plan to Buy Back America. “Face it: America is in big financial trouble,” said the former Governor. “Our credit rating is falling. Unemployment is high. Red tape and environmental regulations have businesses fleeing the country, which itself is drowning in debt. It’s time to restructure.”

    Only blocks from Wall Street, the Republican candidate summarized his new initiative: “The Buy Back America plan will privatize government, reduce inefficiencies, offshore menial government tasks, restructure the debt and bring in private investment. We’ll have a leaner America, more able to compete in the world economy.”

    Documents distributed on site revealed plans to buy up government bonds and t-bills, gaining financial and thereby political control of government. Through a Chapter 11 restructuring, much of the debt would be reduced, creating a potential windfall profit to holders of the new equity once the economic efficiencies take hold.

    “The only problem I see is negotiating with the Chinese. Japan will take the hit; the only other trillion dollar debt holder is China. They’ll have to take 60 cents on the dollar for the debt they hold. If they don’t, their current investment could tank altogether, so they’d be wise to accept our offer.”

    The former takeover strategist explained, “We’ll govern like an efficient business with a Board of Directors, of which I’d be the Chairman. Secretaries of various departments will be replaced with Senior Vice Presidents.”

    Questioned about legislative approval for such a transition, Romney replied, “We’re prepared to offer the current management early retirement, including continuation for life of the generous health plan they now afford themselves, a rollover of their pension into a private 401k plan, and a $500,000 contribution for each year of service, capping at $10 million. That should be enough to get their supporting votes.”

    Asked who could buy into this new entity, Representative Ryan responded, “Virtually anyone. Of course, we’ll have special perks for US citizens. For a minimum investment of $100,000, citizens will receive lifetime passes to National Parks and Museums. That’s a big benefit, considering how much those entry fees are going to rise in a privatized economy.”

    Governor Romney shared his enthusiasm over the mechanisms for this transformation. “We’re going to resurrect Lehman Brothers, pulling the guys back from Wall Street firms and bringing them out of retirement in the Caribbean. It’ll be just like the old days! Plus, we’ve negotiated a 66% discount on the commissions, given the size of the entire $16 trillion deal. I’d like to note that was a personal sacrifice on my part for the good of the Nation, as I will receive a lesser bonus in my new position as a Lehman Board Member.”

    “I’m on the Board too!” chimed Rep. Ryan.

    “Don’t worry,” said Governor Romney in a calming tone. “He’s a non-voting Board member limited to Class C stock.”

    Reporters were skeptical and asked if Americans would willingly approve such a plan. “They don’t have to,” explained Romney. “Their elected representatives will. Sometimes one has to lead boldly and not listen to the 97% of the population that is locked in ‘buyer’s remorse’ before the closing.”

    Before leaving the podium, Governor Romney addressed one last question regarding the loss of jobs by such a streamlining plan. “The global economy is fluid. There will be lots of opportunity for displaced workers in China and India. As new equity holders, those countries should be willing to accommodate laid off workers who aren’t paying taxes and contributing to us anyway. They’ll have plenty of sympathy from people over there who have a victim mentality too.”

    Democratic critics were quick to challenge the plan’s impact on the average American worker who is struggling to pay his mortgage, or more frequently of late, his rent. “This smacks of the fiefdom of earlier ages, segregating the population into serfs and lords,” objected Senator Al Franken (D, Minn.), who threatened to return to Saturday Night Live to spoof the plan.

    “No, no, he’s got it all wrong,” said Ryan when he learned of the comment. “Their taxes will go down, so they can apply those savings toward things the streamlined government will no longer provide, like healthcare, road repairs and national defense.”
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