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  • Depression is an overused word. It’s like, every teenager is “depressed” these days. Some people are depressed because they can't go to a concert. Then you have the people that are depressed because their lives are falling apart, and they have no friends, and a dysfunctional family and a cat.

    I have a dysfunctional family. We fight and we laugh and we cry together, like every other family, but like everyone we have secrets too. Your family is supposed to be a support system, but when all they do is nag and put you down, you end up distancing yourself. That’s what I did. I have no friends really. Just one or two I see at school. I spend most of my time on the computer on websites like Twitter and Tumblr. I can’t stand Facebook though. Facebook is where everyone hates each other but acts like they don’t. Still, I go on Facebook, but I leave it in the background lingering. I have a cat, too. Her name is Daedra. She’s annoying and fat and likes to do odd things, like suck on my ear, but that’s why I love her so much.

    So I guess I’m depressed a little.

    I get in these moods where I emotionally can’t wake up. When I say I can’t, I mean I can’t. I feel like there’s this heavy kind of pressure on my chest, and if I get up I’ll end up freaking out and crying.

    My parents don’t really notice anything and think I act the same as always. It’s kind of hard to explain to your mom why you hate school and everyone in it, and how you’re exhausted and can’t get out of bed. It’s way easier saying, “I don’t feel good.”

    I guess I don’t have a support system because I don’t allow myself to. I don’t do emotions, I don’t do feelings, I don’t do talking about personal situations. I prefer to keep it to myself. I’ve always felt that way. Once in awhile I have little breakdowns, but for the most part I enjoy keeping it to myself. This is the first time I’m talking about it to anyone...or, well, typing.

    Lately I’ve been feeling really bad about myself and how I never do anything. I never leave my house. I want to go on an adventures and have fun, but my brain won’t let me.

    I’m very contradictory. I want friends, but I hate people. I’ve had a strong dislike towards people since 7th grade. No one seemed to like me and I would eat lunch alone most days. The kids would tell me how annoying I was, or how no one liked me, and how I’m not pretty. After a while, you start to believe it. You distance yourself.

    I wouldn’t say I’m depressed though, I would say I’m going through a rough patch. I think it would be selfish of me to say I’m depressed when there are people out there who kill themselves over their depression issues. It’s not like I go see a doctor about it. I went to see a psychiatrist once, but she didn’t really give me anything.

    This Saturday was a pretty tough day for me. I’m not too sure why, but I ended up crying all day and canceling my plans with my friend. It could've been the sudden realization that my friends never invite me to hang out or go places, and if I am invited it’s always out of pity, like they know I know, so they don’t want to be rude, but they don’t actually want me there. It’s kind of hard to explain. In the past 3 years, I haven’t been invited to hang out with someone. It’s always me asking people. I guess I want someone to invite me to do something, anything, and not invite me out of pity, but invite me because they actually want to do something with me. It’s honestly, like, whatever to me though.

    I have my music and my creative mind, and that’s all I need. When I listen to music, it’s another way of not caring. You get lost in it, and although I’m bad at it, I really enjoy painting, because it’s fun. I’m not too concerned about my emotions at this moment anyways. All that’s on my mind is to try to get good grades, get a job, graduate, leave this town, and go to college where I will major in fine arts and then move to Ireland. I know it may not be the best plan in life, but it’s my plan and I’m sticking to it.
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