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  • I don't know. I just don't know anymore. Being in Portland last week I was so sure of myself. I knew I was happy, happier than I ever was in my small town in Washington. I was finally on my own, doing my own thing, living my life. I was in college and life was going good. Then Fall Break comes along and I have to go back to my small town. I've been miserable. Seeing my family and high school friends was great, don't get me wrong. I was so happy to see them all. It's just the memories that came crashing back that really messed me up.

    Things with my friends have changed since graduation. They were even changing before that, during senior year. Everyone was just beginning to fade away and experiment with things that I was taught never to do, like sex, drugs, and drinking. However, I still stayed friends with them not judging whatever my friends got themselves into. But we couldn't ignore the fact that things were changing between us all. By the end of senior year, two of my guy friends were dating, I had fallen for my best guy friend who had broke my heart, two of my best friends hated each other, and my best guy friend and one of my best friends became partiers and went M.I.A. for a while. Things weren't the same with my group of friends anymore.

    The summer before we all left for college didn't help preserve our friendship much either. Everyone was caught up in their own lives and getting ready for college. A few months later, I left to college not knowing which of my high school friends would still be there for me when I came back.

    Then after a month and half of being in Portland, away from everyone, I came back. A few things are different, but overall not much has changed with my old high school friends. One of my best friends still parties, smokes and drinks. My two guy friends are no longer together because they go to colleges on opposite sides of the state. My two best friends don't hate each other, for now. My best guy friend still parties and drinks. And I still feel something for him, but I know that he doesn't care about me.

    Yeah, not much has changed, yet we are all different. I know that I'm only holding on to the memories I've had with these friends. I grew up with them. We've all been best friends for about 5 years or longer. We've helped shape each other to become who we are today. However, it's clear to me now that my relationship with them will never be the way it used to be.

    Tomorrow I will be back in Portland and go on with my life.
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