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  • Not many people know this, but your brain and your heart hate each other.
    Really. They are mortal enemies.
    If they could reach one another, they would fight to the death.
    Brains tend to favour tried and tested killing moves they pick up from the movies and computer games. They fantasise about things like shooting hearts dead with a massive alien gun, cutting them in two with a lightsaber, melting by opening the ark of the covenant, releasing zombie hordes or forcing drowning by capsizing them on a luxury liner.
    The heart, on the other organ, is less strategic. It is more rage fuelled, more fury frenzied. The heart scorned is Jack Torrance, it is Reverend Harry Powell.
    Lucky for you, your rib cage as you know it is actually an actual cage to keep that crazy heart of yours at bay. Were it not there, you can be sure the mad bastard would find a way to climb up your trachea or main aorta and raise hell. You know heart attacks? They’re actually the heart going nuts trying to escape, or at the very least, tell you to stop being stupid.
    Why the hate, you might be wondering.
    Well, I’ll tell you.

    You know last week, when you saw that girl you really like? What do you mean which one? To date you have spent two hundred and forty seven minutes internet stalking her. She wears red cowboy boots. Looks like Zooey Deschanel. Yeah that’s right, her. Let me replay Wednesday’s scene for you.

    Setting: University Library.
    Time: 7pm, after class.
    You wore: Brown woolly jumper with white snowflakes on.
    Her: Red cowboy boots.

    Brain says – Hide. Heart says – Propose to her.
    You say: “Uh, hiya Nia.”
    Her: “Jon!” She grins a big grin. “How are you?”

    Brain says – Be cordial. Heart says – Tell her you’re heartsick with undying love for her.
    You say: “Pretty good thanks. Loads of work on at the moment, eh?”
    Her: “Yeah. I’m struggling a bit actually, wouldn’t mind someone looking over my assignment. You always get great marks…”

    Brain says – She is taking the piss. Heart says – She wants private tuition.
    You say: “I’m sure one of the lecturers will give you a hand.”
    Her: I guess so. I’ve always fancied the idea of studying in the pub though. Do you know if the Student’s Union is still open?

    Brain says – She knows you have a watch on and is going to meet her boyfriend in there.
    Heart says – Buy a magnum of champagne and re-write the essay for her.
    You say: “Yeah I think it’s open until 11pm. Well have fun boozy studying!”
    Her: Crestfallen. “Uh thanks. Guess I’ll see you next week.” Feels unattractive. May drink a bottle of wine alone and go home with a sports student.

    Brain says – Phew. Well done, got away without anything embarrassing happening.
    Heart says – You total idiot. She likes you and you blew it. Yeah nothing embarrassing happened but neither did anything life enhancing, endorphin releasing or exciting. Goddamn you brain, you emotional cripple.

    Remember you broke into that sweat as you walked away from Nia? And remember those palpitations you were having? That was your heart going mental. Christ was it angry.

    Your heart hates your brain because it opposes everything your heart stands for. Spontaneity. Honesty. Passion. And your brain, that sock-ironing, light switch touching OCD palsied organ, likes control and order, dislikes discomfort, the possibility of embarrassment, of emotion. It hates your heart for being a loose cannon.

    So just imagine if the fight to the death occurred. Who d’you reckon would win?
    My money’s on the heart. Yes the brain is smooth, cool and calculated. But your heart is the feisty one, the unpredictable one. It just wants to live. To a heart, to live is to feel. To your brain, to feel is to sometimes be embarrassed, but to your heart, to be embarrassed is to live. And so on. If you feel emotional, I say let your heart rule, not your head. For your life, it’s the more interesting option. For your internal health, it’s the least dangerous.
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