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  • Sometimes late at night, when it is too quiet to pretend, I worry if I believe in anything at all or at least in anything beautiful.

    I believe in change because it is permanent.

    I believe in pain because it is sometimes physical.

    I believe in anger because it can consume you.

    I believe in friends because it is not fun to have a good time alone.

    I believe in dreams because it makes you go on even when it falters the very essence of living for the moment.

    But I am not sure I can believe in either love or trust. I could not understand these two things that most people build their dreams on.

    Love fails to be unconditional by that one condition itself. It ends when we fall out of it. Then, we claim it never was love. Love should not die. It is forever. But when it becomes a routine like saying "I love you" for instance, love does die. When love turns selfish, confusing and burdensome, it is not beautiful anymore.

    As for trust, it was self-explanatory until I doubted it. When curiosity gives way to suspicion, betrayal is not far behind. For every failed judgment we ask ourselves: "Did I trust too little or too much?".

    It is difficult to keep mum and not ask every question so as not to break the trust, only to realize too late that something you could have known had you only asked. Where does love and trust start and end?

    I have seen people disappointed over unfulfilling relationships. I have seen passion turn into poison. I have grieved with them for the love they lost or never found. We seem to love so much, and yet we feel something is lacking.

    I think all people have at one point in their lives experienced the painful realization of a love unrequited. Even with all the discouragement, even with all the well-intentioned advice from friends, falling in love is a no-going-back event. Unfortunately, time cannot be reversed.

    Now, falling in love in itself is doubted by people around you. They cannot feel the warmth that consumes you. They cannot ache with the turbulent and confusing anxiety and joy that grip you. They do not know that mental stress you experience trying to rationalize your emotions. They cannot believe that you do not want to be in love with a person who does not love you back.

    Oftentimes, people in love are painted as puppies following their loved ones at a distance and enjoying it. Oftentimes, people in love are misunderstood. Who can enjoy running around with your heart on your sleeve? It is like trying to cross a tightrope and always falling into jagged cliffs because you are nervous, or agitated and everything becomes so confusing. Loving and loving without getting any response can be destructive to anyone. It is a thousand deaths every time.

    Love is not sustained by hope but by wishes. There’s a difference.

    No matter how perverse, people suffering from unrequited love try to get out of it while secretly wishing that there is a sign somewhere to show it is not hopeless. In desperation, they can even imagine signs if only to remain sane.

    How can you love a brick wall? A dead end? A slavery without any sign of salvation? How foolish. How unreasonable. Unfortunately, how human too.
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