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  • The first time I saw the woman who later became my wife I was seventeen, and said something to a friend that I never forgot: "If I don't marry this girl, I won't be happy ever again".

    We spent the next twelve years together, as happy as two people can be - we almost never argued, made each other laugh every day, lived in several homes, in a few cities.

    Every now and then - often when doing some mundane task, like coming back from the grocery shop or sweeping the floor - I would get this imense feeling of expansiveness, as if love was all around me, nearly brethable, almost condensed, tick, tick love... all over, in and around me; I knew this was because of her and the life we had, and the next time I'd see her I'd kiss her gently and say "I love you" just a little slower, a little bit more special.

    The years went by as she loved me, as she challenged me, as she made me a better man daily by forcing me to rethink my definitions, by guiding me into adulthood, by having as much patience with me as I had to have with her.

    Eventually I realised I was never alone. I had a profund feeling of having no idea who I was, even knowing that I was something better than I was before her. After much consideration, I decided to leave her.

    On the occasion of our break up, I said something that was a lot more prophetical than I could ever imagine: "I need to know who 'I' am, and not who 'you and I' is".

    In my current path of discovering that, every now and then I feel that love again: a love for life, for my friends, for being a healthy person; such a powerful feeling that's almost dizzing, a wholeness of being, complete dissolution into peaceful happiness; and I know I can only identify this, I can only know what it means, because I've loved and have been loved fully. Then I remember her, and I thank her with all my heart.

    It's been almost a year and today I belive that both paths were taken: I belive there is another dimension-reality where we're still together, happy as ever, with both our cats and maybe a few more. I belive that what I did was simply to choose which story this "my consciousness" wanted to see for itself the next months and years to come, and I feel a lot less burdened for leaving her.

    She used to end all her letters with "Forever Yours", and even years into the relationship that would made me cringe a little on the inside, because "forever" seemed too much. Now I get it.
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