All my life, I figured I should just forgive you. You are my mother in fact. But why is it that I have acted more like the mother my whole life? My whole damn life!! I have tried to take care of my sister, make sure nothing bad ever happens to her. You are the one who couldn't get your life together and help. You say how much you love us and yet you do one bad thing after another. Why? Don't you love us enough to try? Do you even realize the amount of tears I have cried over you? Seriously, do you even realize? All 18 years of my life, asking myself why you aren't in my life. Crying because of how much I miss you..because of all the things you have missed..all the things I have wanted to tell you. The pressure to not screw up like you did. The pressure of trying to be the role model. The pressure to make sure everything is okay. It is so fucking hard. I feel like I have been a puppet. And yet every time I make a mistake, guess who I think of? I bet you can guess. Yes, you. You are always in my conscience. Always. No matter what I do. You are and will always be there. I have always loved you and forgiven you. Even when others completely gave up on you. I have done it so many fucking times. And yet, every time you have disappointed me, I still have forgiven you. You are my mother. I love you. But why is it that lately I don't know if I can. I miss you. I haven't heard from you. I am accomplishing yet another thing that you would be proud of, and yet you sit and wallow in jail. Guess this is another thing you won't be able to see. This time I don't think it will be easy to forgive you. My heart keeps getting torn every time and it is getting close to the last tare. It hurts. Don't you realize? My heart hurts. It's your fault and you don't even care. But I guess that's okay because maybe you won't hurt it again. Goodbye for now, until you try to pry yourself back in. But next time, I don't know if I'll let you, no matter how much that tiny piece of me wants too.