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  • I’m finding it harder and harder to write anything lately. Actually, that’s not true. I’m finding it hard to have an opinion on anything that I want to write down or even say in a way that would be meaningful. I think ‘meaning’ things ‘saying’ things is something that’s important to me right now, even if I just write a sentence, even if I say nothing much, there has to be some meaning behind that placeholder that is a blog or a Cowbird story, or a tweet or a status that is probably not vital but that I spend my energy on and that other people will spend their energy on reading. And for some reason all I've wanted is to disengage, disengage, of late. It’s been a feeling that crept up on me and has grown stronger. Disengage with the lack of honesty. Find something more concrete. To learn to trust some of the words again. To trust that there is a reason for them to exist.

    I wonder how many people even realise that they don’t mean the things they have said or written to me. I wonder if they know that I notice when even their smallest actions don’t match their words. How that leads me to distrust not only them but the words themselves. I wonder if they would still do that if they knew how disorienting I find it when I trust someone even that little bit, to take as given the words they have said and then to find they said something for the sake of saying it and not because it was true. Trust and truth are things that have always mattered deeply to me, that I've valued when found and not valued in things and people until found. I don’t trust anyone deeply and I don’t usually expect the truth so I’m not sure why I want to trust everyone's words now when I’ve never needed to before.

    Until now. Now I do. I want to trust the words. Just some of them. I have compassion for the words that can't mean what they seem to mean. Such is life. But compassion can't be all I have.

    I’ve grown tired of the false directions I’ve been led in, the plattitudes that fall from people's lips and fingers without meaning or truth to them. I’m getting lost. I just want a piece of solid truth. I want to know something that I can rely on to be known. One thing that tells me that this is a thing that is the exact way I’ve been told it is. That there is earth under my feet.

    I need to know that before I can walk (or write) another step.
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