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  • I am a 'gifted' kid, I am considered 'quite smart'. I took an ACT test two years ago (seventh grade), and I got a 24 composite. I have nearly always been in the infamous "99th percentile" on standardized tests. I love math, and I kick ass at it. I was teaching myself calculus last year, and I was understanding it. I program, and that is what I spend the majority of my time doing. I don't have many friends, I don't believe I need many friends. I used to consider that I had a halfway decent life. I deceived myself into believing that everything was okay. But these last few weeks have been making me think different...

    First of all, I haven't cut in about two years, well, until last week, that is... My life just seems to be falling apart here and there, losing pieces that make up me as a whole. I haven't worked out in months. I don't go outside unless I absolutely have to. I feel like a lump of bleh sometimes.. Sometimes I am happy, but happy times have not been happening as much...

    My parents decided that I need to go see a child psychiatrist. Yipee. So my family and I go to this guy for an appointment. He drastically underestimated me. But whatever. I didn't let it get to me. But today, today went too far.

    My parents pulled me out of school to go see him again. GREAT. I get to miss my math. I really enjoy doing my math too... Whatever. I don't care. I will just get it over with, right? Well, long story short: hell broke loose. He diagnosed me with depression. I don't believe myself to be depressed. I just get a bit sad at times when bad things happen in my life. Not like really really sad to the point of depression. He didn't even know that I cut. I didn't tell him about anything that was going on in my life. But he decides that I need to have anti-depressants.. Great, another medication that I have to take (I have ADHD, but that's a different story). But that's not even the worst of what happened. Not at all.

    I felt so effing crushed when he said I had depression. You have no clue. I like my life, and I am generally happy, I guess. But nope. Apparently not. Now, something is clinically wrong with me. Great. It makes ya feel quite good when somebody tells you that something like that is wrong with you. Trust me. Man, gotta love sarcasm.

    When he actually told me, I just fell apart. What had held me together was the fact that I could tell myself that everything was going to get better. And I would believe myself. But now that I am 'officially' depressed, holding myself together just became much much harder. It will be hard to go through life knowing that I have a label on me that says "DEPRESSED". that hurts. Right in the self esteem.

    What my parents don't understand is why this hurt so much. I am not proud of my body, or my attractiveness. I am only truely proud of my mind, and my intellect. Now there is some guy that says something is wrong with it. And he wants to pump chemicals into it, with unknown side-effects. That is what hurts most. My pride and joy of being alive is now "wrong", so to speak. You have no clue how much that hurts, even with my young age.

    But I am going to try my best not to let it get to me, not to let it affect me to the point where I go to way too drastic measures. Easier said than done, but I need to be strong with this.
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