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  • Yesterday a friend wrote me: "These are the first paintings from you in which I can discern your failing eyesight. There is a somewhat rawer quality, an emphasis on essence over detail...."

    I was shocked! I hurt. I wanted to give a 1000 reasons to convince her that this is not true.

    But it is true.

    I find new tricks of painting small images, scan them and then combine them in the computer to big collages. I like the result very much. But I have to invent new tricks continually to be able to continue to do what I most enjoy: fiddle around with color, images and my fantasy. How to find the right color tube, to not throw over the water glass etc.

    What will I do with all the empty time, when I cannot fiddle around with images anymore?

    I am scared.

    My 82 - year - old friend Jan, deaf and blind, tells me," You have to stop trying to pass for seeing. You have to fully accept that you are (nearly) blind!"

    Jan says she absolutely loves life, she is fascinated every day by what she experiences. Her husband and daughter died of Malaria while they lived in the Amazon Jungle. Her husband was a cold and cruel man. She survived the Malaria and him, she survived her heart broken by the death of her daughter. She was hungry and sick, crawling like an animal. She says she had a vision then of the first living cell that started life on Earth. She still carries that vision. " Life is wonderful!" she exclaims once and again.

    Einstein said: " Once we accept our limits, we can go beyond them."

    I paste this into my Facebook - page. Another friend answers me:" Once we see limits as simply portals into the limitless mystery we can breathe....and live..."

    Oh, how wonderful that sounds!

    But how the heck do I DO that? How can I accept that each little walk from point A to point B is becoming a major challenge in my life? Recognizing people? Not being independent? Asking all the time for help, especially when trying to find toilets in unknown restaurants ( believe it or not: this is one of the major challenges, when you lose your eyesight!!!)

    Because of not - accepting my predicament I have tried Reiki, Reflexology, Acupuncture and yes: Quantum - Therapy. Funny thing with these Quantum - Healing - Therapists: none of them had any understanding of Quantum - Physics at all, they did not even know what a Quantum was. I even consulted a Mayan woman, who works with angels. I do not believe in angels, but realized that I paint them a lot and thought: I do not know anything, why not try angels? I liked that woman quite a bit, but her angel - therapy was mediocre and disappointing. Oh yes, I forgot homeopathy: 0 results!

    They put their needles in me, their hands on me, their drops in me, some of these procedures relaxed me. That was good. Through all these treatments my eyes kept on with their downward journey.

    "What is it that you do not want to see?" Alternative healers ask me. I am sure that there are many issues that I do not want to see, I am working on that one also, but the more I discover from the hidden dimensions, the worse my eyes become... If not seeing certain issues about your life made you blind, the whole of humanity would be blind, don´t you think?

    This illness is NOT my fault! It does not have its source in secretly simmering inner conflicts. I have such a hard time coming to grips with what is happening, do not put the extra - burden on me that I have brought this disaster upon myself, because you will completely crush me!

    I am getting to the point where I prefer the insensitive medical doctors, who tell me there is no cure, to the oh - so - loving alternative healers, who all promise to cure me. Then, when they do not, they say:" It is YOUR fault, you did not believe strongly enough!"

    I still went and bought for quite a sum of dollars an electrical device for hand - acupuncture as well as one that sends electric impulses to my eyes. I just threw both into the trash yesterday. Good - for - nothing.

    How can a blind person be happy? I have to open that door, Jan´s door. I cannot see that door, I have to stretch my arms out and feel with my hands for it....

    Art by Kiki

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    Kiki en TELEMUNDO
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