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  • For the past two days I have been feeling very bereft. Something to do with a lack of pleasure. I want to enjoy things more, to feel things more with other people, instead of just by myself. That is very hard though. So lately I have just found the world overwhelming. Too much to do, too many expectations. I hate the way I expect things from myself and do not realize the fact until after I have stopped performing and am sitting at home exhausted, always on the can, wondering why nothing seems interesting. Right, because I am always doing it to prove myself.

    The therapist told me that I chose to have unprotected sex because I am self destructive, because I put my partners need to have an orgasm over my own need for safety. I didn't say what about my need for an orgasm, I didn't say, you can't pronounce his name because it has a click in it. That makes me think you are racist. Then I wonder if the reason I said okay to no condom was because I didn't want a black man to think I was afraid of his penis. Or racist, I didn't want my black lover to think that I am racist so now I am worried that I might have HIV, and that I am a racist nevertheless.

    This will all be funny later, but for now I just want to go to the clinic, get a test come home and have sex again without any worries other then the normal ones. That he will leave me, that he is a lier, that there is some subtle need underpinning his desire to fuck me that has nothing to do with being attractive and everything to do with power, and that once again, I will hide inside myself and nothing will come out but words and a shifty gaze.
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