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  • Perspective on life and being alive:

    Reflection on the past - Real or Relative?

    Future aspirations - Drawing what you want closer or Tormenting yourself with goals you can never achieve?

    Death has knocked by invitation and yet you are still here - Lucky or Unlucky?

    People love you / need you - Strengthens your purpose for existence or weakens it?

    ...

    Inspired by the honesty of some of the people who's audiences I'm in, I have decided to step outside of my illustrations and fiction (which is a much easier way to be real) and share a momentary honest thought with people, here goes...

    As an ex 'regular drinker' of neat vodka for breakfast lunch and dinner, with a side order of 40mg citalopram who was also a life skills and positive thinking coach before during and after, I often have these questions hanging in the air around me, and at any given time, could give you (honestly) either answer for any of these questions, or both at once.

    Professionally, at the non ex time, it would always have been the positive answer, and strangely, I would have meant it, for the person concerned, but if I ever asked it for myself as the one 'in the chair' It was always a question mark at best.

    A few years on, and I would like to say the answers are happy and shiny, and yet again, professionally, they are, and I truly believe they are, for everyone else. But for me... I still have a lot of '?' .

    My job has changed somewhat, but I am still in a position everyday where I help those who are down and out, have given up, have no-one left. I encourage them to see that there are positive answers out there, as for some, they know only the negative or to them, the 'real' answers.

    I work with them through grief, bad memories, lack of love and support, too much 'love and support' and a multitude of other things. I see their damaged souls and help them find the path that will take them to the place where they want to be...

    ...while I am always aware that I am somehow outside of the ability to do this for myself.

    I am lucky/ unlucky enough to no longer need to drink or rely on meds to numb the spiral, for which my family are glad. I am now lucky/ unlucky enough to have clear thought patterns and the ability to accept situations. I am lucky/ unlucky enough to be able to see and do things within my work that other people are amazed at, not least of all, taking away others pain.

    If I could have one wish, It would be to know how I feel about all of these things, because instead of being numb, now I feel both extremes all at once, all the time,

    leaving me with a glass, some water and '?' .
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