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  • Been spending a lot of time thinking over Tony's story.

    His is a raw and unnerving tale of suicide and loss. Such pain in those words.

    Been thinking a lot about it.

    Something similar but not the same happened to me. It's a shadow memory now, buried beneath layers and layers of time. Easier to hide because I was not present when G. took his life. Nowhere near. I might not have even heard about it were it not for a chance meeting with a mutual friend.

    I'd pushed him right out of my life. The breaking point, the final one, came through the silliest of reasons. He'd offered to mail a job application for me, important then (although I have no recollection of what I was applying for at all). Some weeks after the deadline and I'd not heard a word, he confessed that he never posted the letter.

    I just went cold. Pushed him out of my life.

    He had loved me. Some kind of love anyway. I simply couldn't reciprocate sexually, and I felt I'd let him down in some bottomless kind of way that slowly ate at me. He drank too much. I drank too much when I was with him. It was easier that way.

    Then I ran.

    It was easier that way.

    He died on a beach. That's all I know. I never wanted to know any details.

    It was easier that way.

    But not easy.

    Why do things have to be this way?
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