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  • I’m a sex-on-the-morning-of-the-second-date kind of gal. (Unusual, but those are my methods.) But Matthew was special. I really liked him, and the best thing to do with people you really like is refuse to have sex with them.

    I had such a crush on Matthew for so long, I thought it would always be an unrequited love. So imagine my surprise when one day he called me out of the blue and asked me out to a movie. I could not believe this could work out so well! No drama, no confusion, just two people who like each other going on a date.

    I wanted it to work out so badly that I rejected Matthew’s advances for more dates than I’ve ever waited before. (Five.) The anticipation was killing us both, and finally, after one night of heavy drinking, I decided enough was enough. We went back to my place, I threw him down on the bed and we ripped each other’s clothes off. His body? Pretty nice. Penis size? No complaints. Good kisser? More than adequate.


    He had some of the weirdest, most bizarre sex faces I had ever seen. I was on top of him, and he would contort his facial expression so grotesquely that he looked like a mime choking on a large piece of steak. Or one of those Halloween-themed amusement park cast members wearing a horrifying mask that runs up and scares you. Except naked, and touching my boob.

    If his facial epilepsy was only during climax, I could let it go. I mean, no one looks glamorous while busting a nut, right? God forbid I ever find out what I look like during orgasm.

    But throughout the entire sex, he would stick out his tongue and bear his teeth, then bite on his lower lip while scowling. Every time I opened my eyes, and they were closed for a lot of this, another creature from The Twilight Zone was underneath me, having a stroke. And during orgasm? His eyes would pop out of his head like Large Marge from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. Not. Sexy. To say the least.

    I did like him – but how could I keep sleeping with someone who looked so gruesome mid-coitus? I tried to convince myself I was wrong - maybe it was the booze that warped the nerve endings in his face, or perhaps he was nervous because it was our first time sleeping together. So I gave him a second chance.

    We went on another date, went back to my place afterwards, took our clothes off. But as soon as he got on top of me and started thrusting, I almost burst out laughing at the cross-eyed circus clown hovering above me.

    “Hey, you into kinky stuff?” I asked. “How about a blindfold? Can you blindfold me?”

    Turns out I was dating the one guy not into any form of eroticism. “I want to look you in the eye when we make love,” he said. And then he came, looking like he was giving a blowjob to a ghost cock.

    I never saw him again after that. My only regret is not doing it doggy style.

    [This story originally appeared on Mad]
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