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  • I had a dream last night that I was walking on a balance beam, up in the air, so high in the air that neither earth nor the ground was visible.
    I walked from one end to the other, turned and walked back several times.
    I was aware of my position, in the air, and it did not bother me.
    Then I slipped, but I knew that I had slipped and I grabbed the beam.
    I was not going to fall.

    It had been a long and tense week.
    A week of delicate cabinetwork and color matching to an antique top cabinet that needs to be complete and installed in New York, next week.
    Nerves were a little raw because we lost a week at either end of the project due to circumstance.

    But I have also been carrying around a burden, a mental burden for weeks.
    Something had happened, never mind the actual “What”.
    Something happened that opened up regret, hurt and fear along with anger.
    I had some emotional work to do.

    Yesterday the cabinet came together, not done, but the crucial milestone was met.
    Relief began to seep in.
    But there was the other matter that made me physically ache.
    Exercise and loud music could not drown out the clanking of my mental pipes.

    Last night while I cooked dinner and filled the air with hot pepper and onion odor, I had a glass of wine and talked things over with my husband.
    “I am thinking about Jacob wrestling with the angel,” I said. “You know when you read the passage it is unclear what is going on but I know what it is supposed to mean.”
    I read the words as metaphors and through the metaphor found a story that showed me another way to look at a life situation.
    I could also take the example of Dante, lost in the dark woods and find a similar metaphor.
    I was struggling with something in myself and with another person and with old demons.

    The more we talked the clearer my thoughts became.
    My sense of self and self-confidence were restored.
    I no longer doubted myself, I remembered who I am.
    And then I felt a shift, and a lifting of what had been heavy on me, weighing me down.
    I felt compassion first and then forgiveness for whatever had happened, and whatever I was afraid might continue to happen.

    I forgave myself and I forgave all the others and I forgave the demons that I wrestled with.
    The demons became small and almost cute, slightly embarrassed their great size was diminished and their power dissipated.
    They appeared as dolls and the gnashing of their little teeth was comical.
    I offered them dinner but they declined and went away.
    They had work to do.

    I could lay down my burden, gently.
    And later dream that I could walk on a beam, in the air.
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