Have you ever felt unsure about someone? Maybe they are treating you in every way you always imagined to be treated. You are doing everything you imagined you always wanted to do, but for some reason you feel like the both of you are stuck in a Traffic Jam. Between the past and the present. The voices from the past that constantly tells you to hold back, and the present judgement from those around you that makes you feel like every action that makes you happy is incredibly wrong.
I decided to go away with him. Away so I don't have to pay attention to anyone else's opinion but my own. Away so I don't have to consider anything else besides how he is treating me, and how I feel. Call me selfish if you have to but what I wanted was a rawness, a type of simplicity. Removing all the other variables so at the end of the day all I have to think about is the "Me and You's". People can think what they want to think but they don't feel what I feel. So we went away. Together. I knew that if things didn't go well I could of walked away, as easily as staying.
"How is the weekend going." he would ask me over dinner with a smile that seems to be more comforting as the days I spend with him increase. I laugh a little and looked somewhere else, secretly buying time to put something together to answer him. "It's going good." I answered naturally, but honestly what I wanted to say was, "This weekend had surpassed my every expectation, it was honestly, amazing." I always have trouble really expressing how I feel. But that's what happens when you've been hurt before, you become more careful. Careful to throw your emotions around, instead you tend to keep it within you, where it's safe. It's just not me who is like this, I think he is the same.
We've both been hurt before. We've both felt hopeless before. Someone had up and taken something significant from us. I always think, what if the missing part we both lost, makes us fit perfectly together? It might just be too soon to think this, but what if? What If. What if is exactly what got us here...wasn't it? Before this, the idea of us, was nothing more than just an idea. It was the "What If" that pushed us into something this unexpected. Something just right. So to be safe, let's just start with What If...
When my friends ask me how our getaway went, I really don't know what to tell them. I mean we didn't do anything out of the ordinary, or absolutely exciting, but somehow I had such a great time. When they ask me what my favorite part was, I answer them: Traffic Jams. My favorite part of the whole trip was being stuck in traffic with him. Him, holding my hand. Me, in his big jacket. Us, together with the sun shining through our car window and moving absolutely no where. But mentally, progressing at crazy speeds. I just wanted to talk. Knowing how he can get impatient, I wanted to just talk to him, to get his mind off the clock. Somehow this turned into something so much more meaningful. I like talking to him while he's driving. It's easy to hide your emotions when you are doing nothing else but talking. But it's harder to hide them when you have to multitask. I take notice in his every movement, and expression he makes; trying to really read in between the lines. During all those hours stuck in traffic with him I got to know something more about him. I got to know the person he wanted me to know, but more importantly I saw the person he envisions himself to be. It's easy to be able to have a great time with someone when the both of you are surrounded by distractions. But it's so much more difficult to have a great time when you are stuck. Stuck in traffic. So to be able to do that, is a great achievement. It amazes me that I had such a wonderful time even when we were stuck. I mean, metaphorically we are still stuck, between everyone else's opinions as well as our complicated past. I can accept that not everyone sees him the way I do. Does it bother me? Not really, if everyone saw him the way I do, then I wouldn't feel so special; so I can confidently say even with all the complications I have to deal with, I am completely happy with how things are going. I wouldn't change a thing.
Like I said before I can just as easily walk away as to staying. Somehow even though right now we are still kind of stuck. I think the more accurate way to describe that now is I used to be able to walk away just as easily as to staying. Walking away no longer feels like an option to me, not when I'm so sure that I am perfectly ok with being stuck beside him.
So now that we've gotten to this point. I just really want to say: Babe, What if?