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  • I have to pick a role, I'm asked to at least pick one(1) begging me to give the world something to hold on to, hold me up against, weigh me, classify me. Are they judging me or just asking to know me, I don't know. Sometimes I don't want to give them anything, be the joker no one can count on, picturing myself barricated in the bathroom for hours it seems, finding the changing pattern of the tiles on the floor, until I have enough energy to go into the world and perform my roles. Sometimes the roleplaying has been so exhausting, I have to barricade myself again from the urge to please and the guilt of disappearing. Sometimes my surroundings let me get swept into my own world and I spend hours experimenting with colors or listening to single tones on the piano or just reading.
    I switch roles easily, I always did, some easier than others. It's never been a strain to switch only straining to pretend. The role of bossy big sister and smarter little sister came easy, and when I was younger my creativity was my safe place, sure to get praise and sure to be incomparable. Later, when things were expected of me, art was also put into a box, and I was supposed to learn from others how I wanted to express myself and I learned the role of listening to others over myself.

    Now I'm asked to choose a role, which leads to my life's paradox; I always take a stand but I truely hate to choose. Once I choose I have to stick to it, but I have a stand until I get wiser. It was frowned upon when I wanted to undo the choice I made, and nobody seemed to want to find a solution that embraced all we wanted.
    Reading this over again I see my inner child's point of view - I didn't feel I had much of a choice, and that is the real box I'm fighting. And I know there is always going to be a box, we need the box to understand each other, to relate and to know ourselves. I just don't want to get caught in a role that doesn't fit me, I want to see the box and to choose if it fits me.
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