The young woman sits down in the chair in front of me. I ask her what brings her here and she immediately starts crying.
Once and again interrupted by sobs she tells me: “ I have committed a ton of mistakes and all, because I do not appreciate myself. I am an only daughter and my father was a violent alcoholic. My parents would fight daily and Dad would hit Mom. Both worked and so I took all my meals alone. What I most felt all the time was: ALONE.
I met my first boy – friend and was so happy to not be ALONE anymore! But he was a bad boy. He always told me how ugly I was, he went with other girls continually and I let him do all that, because I was an empty ugly shell and the only thing I feared was being ALONE. Finally he went to another city. Immediately I met another man. This one told me that I was beautiful. He sent me flowers. He fulfilled my deepest desires – or so it seemed. He was married. He did not leave his wife and children. He said he wanted a baby with me and I accepted. I did not know what I wanted, I wanted what he wanted, that was it. I got pregnant with twins. At 5 months one twin died, I was a high risk pregnancy now and the father of my baby said: I cannot be with you anymore. You have to get ahead by yourself!
I was shattered, but I had to keep my head up. Nobody knew who the father of my baby was. My family would have killed him.
I had my Cesarean, my baby girl is 5 months old now and she is so sweet, but I have a hard time to be happy, to be a mother, to forgive myself all the mistakes I have committed.”
I nod, my heart goes out to her.
Before I can say anything she continues: “On the other hand a miracle has happened: my baby has motivated my Dad to attend to AA. He has moved back home after years of being gone. For the first time my parents treat each other with sweetness. Even my uncles and aunts, who had not frequented us anymore, now come visit continuously. My grandpa paid for all my bills in the hospital. He comes every day to see my baby – girl. I have studied law and want to do my Master´s Degree now and my grandpa will pay for that also. I am 25 years old and in my family we are happy and in peace for the first time in my life.”
“It seems that the result of all your mistakes has not been a mistake at all. It looks like you and your family needed this baby as a medicine, a balm to heal your wounds…”
While I say this I feel goose – bumps on my skin.
Under her tears the woman smiles now. She nods and murmurs,” Yes, my daughter, she came like an angel to us!”
I remember a line out of a song by Leonard Cohen:
THERE IS A CRACK IN EVERYTHING,
THAT IS WHERE THE LIGHT GETS IN….
Art by Kiki