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  • There is something about cowbird that really confuses me. As a "witness to life" should one's life be better than another's?

    There is a competitiveness built into the design that goes against what it is supposed to be, at least it seems this way to me. I think it might have to do with gaming and other interactive experiences to make them engaging. It dosen't feel right when one is revealing their soul. I don't like what it does to me; I keep looking to see if I have pleased someone, am I winning this game? How can one express themselves, with pure unconditional honesty if we are set up to seek the approval of other "storytellers?" Are my experiences and those I speak of less than that of someone else? It is addictive you know, and it can destroy ones art and ultimately ones joy. It took me a long time to realize this about my visual art; that I must create on another plane, not exactly to please one's self and not paint for others. It's more about starting the flow and learning about yourself; seeing yourself and feeling yourself.

    Starting on this new adventure of working in words my insecurity gets the better of me. I have a pile of things I have written recently but I have begun to feel like they need so much work. I worry about my subject matter, can I think of an image that captures someones eye, I wonder if others will understand, I wonder if the things that made me smile will do the same for another.

    I am not going to stop but I would love to not care if other writers like what I do, I feel very strange being judged and graded by my peers. I want to be a part of this wonderful community and I am going to keep posting and sending the words out into the the electronic ether, like messages in a bottle for others to find, or not. To me, those that are not part of cowbird, or I should say the readers out there, is an audience I dream about. I will never know who they are, if they found a story, let alone liked it. Not really knowing is part of the beauty. Is it important to be a rising star? Are we suggesting to someone else that this person is worthy of recognition and another is not? I find the differences and variety in all the many voices a lovely witness to life.

    These are just things that go through my head when I go to give a story a heart. I want to give every story a heart.

    I think it is nice to follow people but I think it would be nice if only they knew. I would love to be able to reach out to another about a story (or just to chat because we find them interesting people) and not have to resort to communicating in public something that is really for them to hear. I know that cowbird is new and will continue to grow; these are just some ideas that I have decided expose. I am trying to be brave and push away my internal paranoia that the reader will think I am bitter for not being understood. See what this process can do? It makes me want to qualify something because I am insecure about the expression my thoughts. Maybe I should not go here maybe this is a subject that is taboo... hey, I'm new.

    Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec Rue des Moulins, 1894 1894
    Painting, National Gallery of Art, Washington,DC
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