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  • 1/29/11 (Journal entry written during Hospice experience with Mom)

    Another month passing and now it has been almost four months of her slow process of letting go this world and embracing the new one. I guess you might say, so have I.

    One of the things that continues to come up for me in journaling and meditation is that I must remember the importance of the process and not put all my energy into the outcome. I think that is my lesson in this last few months of my relationship with my mother.

    Though the intensity of the lesson is only becoming clearer as we progress through our day to day since October…highs and lows…anger and forgiveness…owning our behaviors or not…seeking to find understanding in this experience or blindly running from our emotions.

    After reaching a point of so much anger and frustration with Mom that I was afraid to go visit her fearing the unleashing of all these emotions onto her in her vulnerability; I separated myself for a time in order to reflect on all these emotional volcanoes within me. Yes, there are many wounds from childhood and adulthood that I could dwell on or I can choose to see them differently this time around…. Maybe this is the process I must first experience in order to re-find the love I have for my mom. For that matter, the love I am re-finding in myself.

    Both in my silent meditation and journaling as well as my interactions with my counselor, I have been reminded of the same concept introduced over 13 years ago to me and my conscious/unconscious self. It first came from reading the Celestine Prophecy; and more recently through counseling and meditations. It is known in many circles as the Control Drama where we move from victim, to perpetrator, to savior in the process of external control.

    However, the true journey is when we stop the control drama and begin to take responsibility for the actions, words, thoughts we create and give everyone else that same permission. In other words I am responsible for me and what I choose to put out into the external world. Will I steal energy from others or will I share energy in order for both to resonate at a higher frequency?

    The choice is obvious with my mom…my love for her far outweighs my emotional storms. I am ready and able to take responsibility for first giving myself permission to be worthy and loveable…next that beyond any words and actions my mom loves me unconditionally and our exchange of love to each other is what brings both of us to a resonance of love unconditional.

    I have also realized in this self journey that I am not responsible for how my family processes this experience with their mother…it is individual and sacred to each of us in our own unique ways. I am learning how to take responsibility for me, versus trying to fix someone else at my expense; in other words giving myself permission to put my dreams and beliefs forward in the developing aspects of my life; such as physically nurturing and healing my body in order to have the physical strength to continue my life journey.

    I choose to believe in myself and my personal power, to listen to my intuition-my true inheritance, to seek to create balance in my life and to share the joy of balanced living with all life. As for my wounds and angers, I will know them now as reminders to see something in a different way. Emotions are our invitation to go within, deep inside to listen and know our true self and to listen to the lessons being offered as opportunities to grow and change versus remaining stuck in old worn out emotional stress.

    If this be Mom’s final gift…let it be so…for she has invited me to stretch myself in ways I never thought I could move beyond and grow within…she has always encouraged me to seek my spirit and now this is her final exam for me…I believe I am passing this course and we both are moving on to new lessons…love yah Mah!

    (MOM passed on May 17, 2011 with many surrounding her with unconditional love)
    (Book referenced Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield, first in a trilogy )
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