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  • Dear Betty:

    I am in receipt of your letter of 12 August. How amazing that your father owned a uranium mine and what a bummer that American authorities won’t let you into the country to claim your inheritance. It’s simply not a just world, is it, Betty?

    I wish I had the $25,000 to place at your disposal, especially when I stand to collect $4-5 million and a case of radiation poisoning at no extra charge. Since I cannot advance you cash, may I may an alternative offer? My son Nathan would make a splendid household servant or a tasty late-night snack. He is housebroken and, beside a puzzling addiction to the screeching of Britney Spears, is otherwise devoid of any nasty personal habits.

    Betty, baby, this is a win-win. You get your mine and I get my spare bedroom back.
    You get Nathan and I get rich.

    Please tell me when and where I should send my son. Human trafficking being looked down upon (it’s simply not a just world, is it, Betty?), I will need a deposit from you before I undertake shipment. I figure $25,000 should cover it.

    Looking forward to our transaction. My friends Benjamin Weinberg and Wu Shaman also have deals that would be of great interest to you, but I think I’ll let them tell you themselves.

    Putting the word “tune” back in opportunity, I remain your faithful servant (oh, wait, that’s Nathan’s job now),

    Burt Kempner
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