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  • Cowbird has been a place of healing for me. Everything I have written and will ever write has and will come from my heart and it has been a good experience. Your stories have been a great source of energy, self-search and wisdom. Thank you all so much for that!

    I consider myself a lucky, happy, optimistic and forever young person. I have a great family, nice home and now you – all my Cowbird friends.

    When I almost died on 12th July, 2010, I was angry and I hated the doctor who had misdiagnosed me. The only thought I had during the ordeal was about my family – not fear of dying but fear for them. Strange, isn’t it? I thought I had always been afraid of dying. But that came too.

    Later the depression got me because almost overnight, being only 50 years old I became an invalid. Well, not entirely but I did spend the whole summer sitting in my room, doing a lot of thinking and reading – plus side –, having been strongly advised not to move unless I really had to, but this thinking did me a lot of damage as well. It made me give up. I really couldn’t walk two steps without being out of breath and the heat of the summer didn’t help. I was lucky to have an AC unit in my room or I would have died. It is as simple as that.

    Over the decade before that I had lost my mother, my father, my dearest aunt who had raised me, two of my best friends and had cut almost all communication with my relatives. If I hadn’t had my family I wouldn’t have survived. I am so grateful to them. More than they would ever know.

    The whole drama of my illness is not interesting and I won’t talk about it but I do say – I was full of anger, fear and hate. I feared every strange signal and feeling my body gave me. I was really giving up on life. Until one day I realised it was draining me, completely. That wasn’t going to help. On the contrary – as long as I kept this going I really was going to kick the bucket. And I decided – what’s enough is enough. I will get better. I had to! But it took me two years to come to this decision. Only this summer I have slowly started my journey of healing. Very slowly indeed but I am determined. I do have my doubts and my bad days but I know I must do it. For the first time I am not afraid of every bad feeling I get. This is the first time when some days might go by without a thought of death.

    For all my life I was this happy person who woke up every morning looking forward to the coming day and all the surprises it might bring. I wanted this person back! And there are mornings I am feeling just like that.

    There are many reasons for my healing. Having found so many wonderful friends here has helped a lot. People are just so amazing and interesting.

    And I found myself a project! There is something I have to do and that involves a lot of work and energy but as a result I will be able to help six wonderful, beautiful and talented young people and that gives me joy. Finding or creating this project made me realise what I needed most of all – stuff to do and lots of it, many things going on in my life at the same time. I have always had a lot of energy and I so want it back. Having been deprived of all that put me in this dormant stage these past two years. Whether it was because I was afraid or whether my body felt it was something I needed, no idea. What I do know is – I am done! I want to live again. I have to live again.

    (Photo: one part of the lilac hedge that surrounds my garden)
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