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  • I don't know if I'm too young to be looking back. Maybe I should always be looking forward, thinking forward, and that looking back is for the older people who miss being young. But that doesn't sound quite right. Even now, even I miss being young(er). I had it so easy then. Life was drawing, asking questions, and playing with my immature friends. School was learning itsy-bitsy-spider. Homework was collecting leaves or coloring circles; And I might of thought back then that I was having it too hard. Well things'll just get harder from here. Responsibilities will pile up. The cover of innocence will peel off. And there will be no getting by without working. That's how I perceive the future. So heres to the care-free times. To the times I can still remember.


    The first thing I can ever remember that happened in my life was that time when I tried to pet a fuzzy yellow bee on a hot summer day. I remember thinking it would be soft and fuzzy like a kitten, and that we'd be good friends. I was about three. The next thing I remember, I was crying in the bedroom with a swollen hand as red as a rose.

    I remember my grandmother flying in from Turkey and arriving at twelve at night. I had put on a display on the floor the day before with all my Ponie dolls set up in a little "town" I had made from scratch. I remember opening my eyes to see grandma gazing at me across the room from where she lay on a foldable bed. She asked if I had made the display. I remember being so proud of that ponie community I had managed to set up before we had to knock it down and stuff all the ponies in the closet forever.

    I remember some vague memory from when I was probably four, When I was clutching my stuffed companion Ma and asking mom a question while she made the bed. I remember her sour mood; But I will never know what I had asked.

    I remember going to Trabzon in Turkey and feeling immensly sick on the plane ride. I remember that when we landed, I vomited on the whole seat to my udder embarrassment. I remember a father and his son look at me with poisoned looks, and a man walking down the isle with most of what i'd done splattered on the back of his suit.

    I rememer going to the pond on some days and trying to sneak up on the turtles; I remember almost always returning with muddy pant legs and socks.

    I remember going to my first circuis with dad; we sat in a huge striped tent with hundreds of others while acrobats made human pyramids and tigers jumped through hoops. I remember being terified by the clowns, But wonder-struck by all the colors and amazing human feats.

    I remember Attempting to fly after waking from one of those wonderful light-as-air flying dreams. I remember jumping off the bed and flapping my arms; only to sprain my ankle.

    I remember The first time I took my own shower. I was so proud, and so was mom. I remember having a big celebration and Ice-cream at Rancatore's.

    I remember the first time I thought I knew how to write. I thought it was all about writing down the letters in a word by what sound the letters started with and matching it with the sounds that made up the word. I remember thinking I was a genius, and felt so happy and in high spirits that I told my parents I wanted to wash the dishes. I remember breaking dad's favorite mug.

    I remember the last time I visited my grandma before she died. I remember going to that nursing home and shaking grandma and screaming when she didn't respond or move. I was furious that she couldn't answer me. I remember as well being scared of all the other old ladies who stared at me with distant eyes and wouldn't respond when I said "Hello".
    The next day we learned that sophie had died. I was only six.

    I remember staying in the mountains of southern Turkey and wrestling with the neighbor's dog. I had a disturbing craze for animals then, and would howl and bark back at the dog ever night while sitting like a dog in the gravel driveway; and I would join in the surrounding barks of the nightly dog message network. I remember crawling around like an animal on hands and knees pretending I was a cat. My grandmother told me that if I kept doing that, I would sqish out the water in my knees and not be able to walk again. I remember that's what ended my animal craze.

    I remember staying at a parent's friend's house and throwing food pellets into the cat's water. The cat would lick and eat at the same time. I remember this is what first started a spark in me for cats. Ten years later, I found a photo of me doing exactly that.

    I remember picking an apple and bringing it home to eat. I remember sitting at the kitchen table and starring at the apple, pitiful for it that it had to be plucked from it's home, and not being able to eat it because I didnt want to hurt it. Poor apple, I remember thinking, Poor, poor apple. I even cried.

    Most of all, though, I remember being so terrified of death that I couldn't think about it. I wanted to live forever. I guess I was afraid of pain. I remember not being able to eat because all I could think of was choking and dying. I was always thinking about my heart; if it was still beating, if I would get a heart attack, If I was maybe really made out of metal inside. I now know not to be thinking of death because there's a long, long way to that.


    There are still countless more memories. It's amazing how, even when you think you can't remember, you can set your mind in the past and think hard and pull out forgotten files, and and more start to appear. It's comforting to swim through those memories, good and bad. We now have cameras to do that for us these days. It helps alot; you may look at a photagraph and have the old memory come back to you: Oh yeah! I remember that! Or you can look and no matter how hard you try, not be able to remember. Huh. Can't seem to know when this was taken...
    Some people might prefer past to future. Using memories as a getaway is pretty much like chocolates or a free hotel resort. But we can't stay there forever. Life doesn't give rest stops. Wether we like it or not, the future is always there to attend to...

    Note: Sorry Angie I meant to sprout from "I Remember..." but forgot.
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