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  • My son is about to begin college. He's not going too far from home, the local community college as a step between high school and a dedicated four year university.

    It's a big step, nonetheless, and one I'm proud that he's making.

    Clouding this, sadly, is a resurgence of memories from my own college days and those, at least in the beginning, were marked by the most devastating fear. At the time, I didn't know that this was a consequence of the undiagnosed depression that I'd been suffering from for a long time. All I felt was a sense of taking a plunge into a terrifying and bottomless void.

    I did not anticipate my current feelings. I thought, after decades of psychotherapy and drug treatment, that those particular demons had been thoroughly tamed. It's a shock to be proven wrong. I feel that gut churning, the dry mouth and racing mind that swirled and twisted in those desperate old days. What is different is that I am not consumed by this anguish. I feel it, it's upsetting, but it is not overwhelming.

    I would not be able to write this at all if that was so.

    It's going to be a difficult few days for me. I do not doubt that I will eventually overcome my fear - I have done so in other similarly stressful times - but I'd rather not have to make the journey. However, I have no choice.
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