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  • It happened last night - the dream - like it has happened before, but it was also somehow completely different.

    He was in my dream and talking. Typically he doesn't talk. Typically he is just a presence leading me into some sort of difficult, dangerous or humiliating situation. He walks beside me, silently, while I break down doors, walk into the party naked or do some other messed up thing at which everyone is usually laughing. I look to him for support and he is gone. Just - poof! - gone. Always the same theme. I wake up flushed and unravelled, as if it was intentional - as if he willed himself to show up in my dreams just to fuck with me again. These nights have ruined entire days on occasion.

    But last night it was different. We were holding hands and not in a particularly romantic way. We sat together and he spoke thoughtfully, compassionately. He sat squarely facing me, looking me in the eye, and explained to me what it was about him that had attracted me in the first place. He drew parallels between himself and someone else I used to know in a particularly meaningful way that has never occurred to me in daylight hours. He was making sense, so much sense, and for once, he was actually helping me.

    I didn't want to wake up because I wanted to hear what else he had to say. I also wanted to bask in the feeling for a bit longer that his intentions were (are?) good, that he was there, in the dream, because he actually cares and not because he wants to mess with my head - slipping out of a dark corner of my subconscious to remind me that he's still around, that he still wields some sort of power over me. It was so lovely, to not have that association with him upon waking, for once. To have some sort of content, resolved feeling as opposed to angst. Finally.

    On the way in to work and thinking about the dream, a song came on the radio - "Don't Wake Me Up" by Lianne La Havas. I had never heard it before and it was hauntingly beautiful. Very simple lyrics sung by a woman with a strong and resonant voice:

    "I know your love weighs heavy on my heart
    But you are my only counterpart
    Well I know
    Why I lost control
    Of my heart and soul
    'Cause I know you,
    I can reach through"

    All day long the song has been playing in my head. I know we come across things - people, images, songs, messages, etc. when we seek them, when our mind's antennae are up and looking for signals. Today I've been tuned in, tapped into a clear frequency. The dream, the radio, Wu and Katie all providing resonance for a message I needed to hear, a strong and positive one at that.

    Thank you for reaching me. I needed to know.

    ps - I've used this photo before, in a posting on March 27th called "Resonance." It seems apropos to link the two, this being the later, larger ripple of that.

    photo: woodleywonderworks
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