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  • I woke up just now because one of my dogs started barking like crazy. That was at 4:15 am, it is now 5:16am and I am wide awake. I'm thinking of you. I wish I could talk to you, so I could tell you that you left an indelible mark on me. For five years the three of us were attached at the hip. How could I not miss you?? Sometimes I'm sad about it, sometimes angry, occasionally I think of you and smile. All I know is, August 9th, 2009 I got one of the worst calls in my life. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like I would never smile again. I felt guilty because we now lived far apart and I couldn't see you as much as we would have liked.

    I hope you hope you KNOW that I love you. I can't say I 'loved you" because it isn't past tense. Some people think I should get over it. I'm sure there are those who are tired of hearing me talk about it. I know that I can never fully get over you because I feel like you were stolen from us.

    Don't get me wrong, I wish you happiness, but I wish me happiness too. I hope you found peace. I hope you finally realize how beautiful you are. You are...(were?) a beautiful soul. You always put other people ahead of yourself. You were loving to a fault.

    I miss you SO MUCH God dammit! Sometimes I just want to scream. My faith was shaken. How could someone so beautiful, inside and out, be taken away when there is SUCH ugliness in the world? Why do these people, who are filled with such HATE, get to live long lives imposing their negativity upon us? Is it because God hopes that by the time they have reached their end of days, they will finally see the light?

    You were not physically at my wedding but I swear in one picture, when my Dad is walking me down the aisle, that you are there on my other arm. There is an orb on my left arm in that picture. I know I've lost other people close to me, but that and one other picture lead me to believe it was you. The other picture was taken the night before our wedding, when my bridesmaids were sleeping over. She was painting her toenails in the picture, and there over her shoulder was an orb. I feel like it was your way of saying you were there with us. I know there are doubters, who would say it was just a "glitch" with the camera, a fleck on the lens or some other reason why it wasn't an orb. I feel they are wrong. When I saw the pictures, it took my breath away. I immediately thought of you.

    At first I wished you back. I wished I had a genie so I could resurrect you some how. Eventually I have come to the realization that, even though me heart is broken, even though some days I still feel like there is salt in my wound, you were meant for greater things. Luckily I believe in angels. I believe in a greater meaning, a greater being. I believe in heaven. Maybe I'm naive, but let me be naive then. If I thought that all of this was for nothing, I wouldn't be able to pick myself back up. I believe that, on the day I go home, you will be there at "the end of the tunnel" or where ever it is we go, to greet me along with the other loved ones who have gone home before me. THAT is what gets me through. The thought of being without you for all eternity is too heavy for my heart, I can't ever lose my belief that, in the end, we are reunited with those we love.

    If I take anything positive from this, it's live each day to the fullest. I know it's a cliche, but I think cliches exist because they are true. If you live a life full of regret, how can you move on? So I choose to love fiercely, to give my best (even when it doesn't seem good enough) and to always believe in the greater good.

    I miss you.
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