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  • There was a time, once, when I wanted nothing but to grow. To grow in hight, grow in mind, grow in coolness, grow in brainyness, and grow in status. I never really knew what that would really mean, though. It was only typical, for a kid to think being an adult whould be the best thing in the world; with the capability to justify all the injustices made to them, to have the ultimate power that mom and dad had.

    Like most any little kid, I was rushing every day, pushing every inch. I didn't know that when I finally got there, the responsibilities would be laid layer by layer on my shoulders with no mercy. Schoolwork got harder. Schedules where tight. Expectations higher. I was inching my way into being a tween. Then a teen. Then the storm of the adult world. The world was getting more and more unfair.

    But, I managed to put the brakes on. Before charging out the door to where I could never return from, I poked my head out of the safe house, took a lucky sniff of what was to come, and snapped my head back and locked the door.

    I was lucky. I always thought that becoming a grown-up would grant me freedom. Maybe in some form, but really, nothing tangible. Your freedom starts from life's beginning; and It just gets harder from there. You might be thinking, well, duh. Well yeah, duh. You know all of this now. You've had the experience. But I speak for the kids.

    If kids could know all this from the beginning, they could slow down the process and let the sweet feeling of innocence and freedom wash over them. When the biggest BIGGEST worry was to get the school project done in time and the smallest to reach something on a shelf.
    The children can romp freely in sunny fields and smell the flowers while the storm rages around them. And so, they'd mostly never know the freedom and choices they'd had until all is lost. Then they're hauled into the really unfair world with hardships they'd never imagine, where they have to put in such hard work to stay on balance in the brutal world with much stronger forces pushing them around.

    Of course, being adult has it's freedoms to. The ability to start something really big, to be able to move around freely, without having parents to haul you around. It's your own schedule, not your parents' that you have to follow. But I wouldn't know what really goes on in the adult world, in that confusing storm. I'm still in my sunny field. Getting closer to the edge, but still there.

    From tween to teen to adult, I'll get closer to the shadows, where the sun cannot reach, and am engulfed altogether. Right now, the responsibility isn't to much to bear. I still have choices. And freedom. And innocence. I am protected and surrounded with only the best enviornment, more then I can ask for. The hardships don't leave scars, and we can keep our balance when crisis strikes. But one day it'll be my turn to shield the house from the worst blows from life; and along with that, go on the life roller coaster ride with amazing ups and horrifying downs, until eventually being dumped at death's door. Well, things could be worse. Alot worse. I have things easy for now. My duty, where it all narrows down to, is to learn and equipt myself with what I need to face life full-blast.

    At least, on this crazy earth, the old are still cared for. But perhaps not as appreciated. Near the end of it all, things slow down for them. Each day is the copy of the other, always dragging along, nothing different, just the same routine, I'm guessing. They crave the youth and good old memories and perhaps even the hardships where each day was an exciting struggle and they could really feel alive. These are their shadows; just look at the picture.

    Maybe even the black waves of death are tempting when you've had enough. But I wouldn't REALLY KNOW what the old feel. I can only guess. As they prepare their end, I prepare my beginning. I couldn't possibly grasp the sensation of being eternally tired to the core of bone, to have holes in heart and mind, to actually want death...I'm not there yet. I'm sure all adults, old or not, have happy times and friends and joys, but they can never turn back to the safety and freedom of choice I am capable of now. So I can put the brakes on and bath in childhood moments before being dragged into shadowland and it's deadweight responsibility. You get the point.

    I feel that I'm just repeating myself here. All I can say is that I'm happier then you could ever imagine to be able to sit here all cozy with a book and some popcorn, while parents walk briskly from one end of the house to the other, sifting through piles of papers with numbers I can't understand and letters I can't relate to. The dark purple marks under their eyes show of sleepless nights and stress. They are trying to get things done, but their work will never be done. They can take breaks. They can relax. But nothing will ever all be taken care of. Problems made unnoticably a long time ago and have come back to haunt.

    Slowly, my lifelong problems will develope. But I'm not there yet. I'm not ripe enough to be sent into the shadows where you can make a difference, where there are differences to be made. Where you can achieve and fail. Laugh and cry. Live and die. Some kids will crash too fast into that world, thinking adulthood is the best thing. Out there, there are ranks. The highest. The lowest. Here I can be equal and loved by everyone, in this field. I'm safe. And at least I know it.
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