Forgot your password?

We just sent you an email, containing instructions for how to reset your password.

Sign in

  • The last time I spoke of wanting to die before I turn 32, my buddies severely rebuked me. That was in my 2nd year of college. I don’t remember thinking about it ever again. But that was the first thing that flashed in my mind coming out of the clinic. “I’ll take it up as a challenge and see to it that the best be done” the doc had said. I asked Mom if it was okay if we don’t take an auto-rickshaw back home. I wanted to walk.

    Unlike most times, my Mom walked besides me almost silently. I was feeling chatty as I moved on singing, dancing and fake-footballing. Suddenly, all the staring eyes and passing smiles did not seem to matter at all. After a while, I joined my Mom, put my arm around her and started walking with her. She spoke of a few of her experiences when I was a kid, cracked a couple of jokes and blamed people around us for not listening to her when she used to tell I was different. Unlit streetlights hid my expressionless face. But I couldn’t help thinking like thousands of times before that Moms somehow have a knack of knowing things about their kids before anyone else.

    I’ve been close to death a couple of times before. But this was not being close, it was just knowing how far you are. Even then, it changes a lot of things about your world and your life - what to care about and what not to; what you want and what does not matter and even the things you want to do before dying. Some desires which demand the luxury of time fade away so quickly that it leaves you wondering if you ever wished for it at all. It’s hard to reason out what’s worth wishing for and what’s not. Its just that some things just cannot be thrown away with or without reason and those things stay. I’m not even sure if I am glad about the selection of dreams that still stick along. But I’m glad that they still remain.

    I remember asking one of the popular authors, Dilip why his blog is called – Death ends fun. He told me that he just felt so and he named it. Even I felt the same, but only for a while. I think knowing and accepting death gives you a special freedom to think without the limitations of a ‘normal’ life; it arms you with a special disdain towards things that complicate your expectations from life; It makes you care more for people you care for and care less for things that matter nothing more than a formality; and lots more I cannot spell out. But it also makes you embrace life for what it really is, without the need of any special meaning, purpose, providence and other shit – an opportunity to experience what you can during those few moments of your chemical existence.

    Incidentally, I’m turning 21 in a few hours. Birthdays have never been special to me, neither mine nor others. But even without trying, I’m already wishing that I wake up tomorrow to realize this was all just a silly dream. I know it won’t come true. But life’s just an endless dream anyway. Just that sometimes you are told when you will be woken up.

    I go to bed thinking about a chinese proverb I had read in school: "Beware what you wish for. It might come true.
    • Share

    Connected stories:


Collections let you gather your favorite stories into shareable groups.

To collect stories, please become a Citizen.

    Copy and paste this embed code into your web page:

    px wide
    px tall
    Send this story to a friend:
    Would you like to send another?

      To retell stories, please .

        Sprouting stories lets you respond with a story of your own — like telling stories ’round a campfire.

        To sprout stories, please .

            Better browser, please.

            To view Cowbird, please use the latest version of Chrome, Safari, Firefox, Opera, or Internet Explorer.