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  • I have never so purposefully caused so much damage,

    Yet something within cried out for me to do so.
    To end it, to gravely wound one I love, to break up a home,
    For what?
    For a chance at personal fulfillment
    Or any number of weak-sounding formulations I can barely say aloud.
    Against my prior behavior patterns. Against my upbringing.

    The split is nearly unjustifiable to those acquainted with us,
    Those who have seen us as a loving couple, a vibrant unit.
    That was not artifice.
    There was no façade constructed;
    What was seen, was.
    That's what existed: lovers, friends, partners.

    In the silences I am fast growing acquainted with,
    Regret often surfaces and rattles its chains.
    It makes a convincing case that I am wrong, that this is wrong.
    It tells me this is a decision I will regret for the rest of my conscious days.

    But increasingly in that stillness I am beset by calm, and I hear the reasons.
    I hear that it is time to raise my own standard
    To plant it firmly in a mountain of my choosing.
    I hear that this is a journey necessarily undertaken alone.
    I hear that I must decide to be a better man
    Not once, but thousands of times.
    Not with declaration or on a specific day,
    But in being and doing,
    Moment by moment.

    Now, and now:
    I must be aware, I must be present,
    I must be mindful action
    And compassion
    And love.
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