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  • Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

    The five stages of grief. After 7 months of hating myself in a deep depression that I didn’t think would ever end, it only took me an hour on the phone with you to crash through all 5.

    “The old me had died, and you killed him. I do not love you anymore.”

    You do not love me anymore. For the longest time, I blamed myself. I blamed myself for causing you to feel that way. For the longest time I believed you. I believed that the reason why you no longer love me is because I had fucked you up.

    I’m sorry, but not for anything I didn’t do. I’m sorry that you are wrong. It took the hurt looks on my friends’ faces to see me break down that night to pull me out of this insanity. It took the 2nd party voices reminding me that it is not ok for someone to treat another person that way, for another person to say and blame things on others because of the mistakes in the past; that I have millions of times over tried to redeem myself for. Nothing is ever enough for you and there should never be any reason to make a person feel like they need to live with a guilt forever.

    “I don’t give a fuck what happens to you.”

    I thought I deserved this. For the longest time I thought this is the type of treatment I deserved. I finally realize that I don’t. Thank you, for the words that seem to make me realize that the old you did certainly die. Thank you for the mistakes you hated me for, or else I would never get to hear the devil that speaks for you.

    So this is to the old you.

    Hey you… the last time I saw the “new you”, I gave back all your stuff because I didn’t have the heart to throw it away. When I wanted to keep your letters and cards you gave me before. The “new you” had the nerve to tell me to just give them to him. I guess he was worried I’ll come back around and bother him again. But I said no… you gave them to me before so they are mine, I should have the power to do what I want with them, the “new you” accepted and drove away.

    I tried for very long to look for you in this new person. I looked at you two as one of the same. But I was wrong, the old you is completely different from the new you. You used to make me feel sunshine, this new you rained and stepped on my sunshine. The old you was caring, sensitive to others, and a wonderful friend. The new you is cold, mean, and selfish.

    To be honest, I'm still in love with the old you that loved me back deeply once upon a time; and I miss you so much. I wish all the time that you were still here. I missed all the memories we had together. I miss your smile, the way you looked at me, the way you cared. I miss the old you. The new you have turned into a person I no longer know. Maybe it is partly my fault that the old you is no longer here. Why the old you died. But in the end of it all, I don’t control you, I don’t control whom you turn into. I don’t have that power to kill what an individual stood for in the past. That was your decision, and yours only.

    So to the friend I once knew, this is for you. Today I took all your letters and pictures out and read them. After a long painful walk down memory lane, I burned it off in memory of the old you. To the old you that died. Like my friend told me… “Let it be a good memory, and move on.” So even though you are no longer around, I hope you know that I will always cherish the memories we created together, and I’m ready to move on with my life. Thank you for making me a better person, for teaching me all that you did, and making me realize the person I really am.

    So if I ever do run into the new you in the future, I’m going to stare at that image that embodies the old you I once fell so deeply in love with, but I’m going to turn and walk away, because I no longer know the person that encompasses that very familiar body. I will always miss and love that old you, but I realized today that I can never fall in love with that new you.

    So to those of you who feel like you are working through the impossible. Let me tell you, it’s possible. Use me as an example, I am finally free. Free at last.
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