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  • I ambled in the sunlight one dreary afternoon
    Whilst walked I hummed a little tune
    I was out picking berries
    The fields were not my own
    I passed beside a deep ravine
    I heard a feeble groan
    I pricked my ears and listened
    I heard the groan once more
    It sounded like a woman
    I ‘oped she was an ‘ore!

    With great anticipation
    I scrambled down the hill
    I fancied her a strumpet
    With whom I’d have my will
    I fancied her a young lass
    Dressed up in silk and lace
    With tightly muscled buttocks
    And a little angel face!

    But when I reached the bottom
    Much to my dismay
    My eyes beheld a withered hag
    Putrid, bent and fay.

    Her teeth were like big iron spikes
    Like dead fishies she did smell
    Nothing less she seemed to be
    Than a demon straight from Hell!

    With eyes like bleeding ulcers
    Her skin all mottled green and
    The firmest pair of buxom breasts
    That I have ever seen!

    I knew I had to have her
    As at meself she grinned
    I knew until I’d had this witch
    I’d never truly sinned!

    “I need a man!”

    The maiden moaned
    She very nearly cried
    So I sharpened up my loinsword
    And thrust it deep inside!

    I pulled her close
    I held her tight
    I pushed in to the hilt
    The next thing that she said to me
    Would have made a sane man wilt.

    She bucked and pitched
    She twitched and quaked
    Her eyes grew blank and vague
    She smiled around her rusting teeth
    Then said, “My lord, I’ve got the plague.
    I’ve diphtheria and tetanus
    I’ve got cholera! The flu!
    And now my sweet perverted monk
    I’ve given them to you!”

    She must have thought her illness
    Would fill my heart with fright
    “What a lovely way to die!” sez I
    Then stabbed with all my might!

    I rode that wench all evening
    Til the rising of the moon and
    To every illness she possessed
    I became immune!

    I’ve wandered on these many years
    There’s no disease I’ve feared
    As for that maiden,
    Well, she came…
    Then disappeared.
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