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  • One thing I really despise about Bipolar is trying to explain to people who really just don’t get it why I act like I do sometimes and why I’m not always the same person everyday. Having to work with the public when you’re in the midst of a horrible episode is torture. Trying to hide your e,options or lack of when your face clearly gives you away. “What’s wrong, what happened, oh do I need to kick anyone’s ass??”. No. Just shut the fuck up. Somedays it’s so hard to lie, but if I told them the truth what the fuck would I say? Oh I’m just having a bipolar day, and then I get a “Oh that sucks, I know how that can be”. Like hell you do! Or the “Oh no I’m so sorry that sucks just keep your chin up” blah blah blah.

    This is why it would be so much easier to sleep through the week and get it over with so I don’t do any harm to myself or any fuckheads who cross my path. No one knows what it is like to have bipolar unless you have it or something similar. Period. I don’t give a shit how sad or mad or moody you THINK you’ve been, it’s a walk in the park compared to this.

    Fighting the demon is draining, painful, lethargic, rageful. It’s like a leech sucking the blood from my heart. Depression is the worse possible emotion there is. It’s not like heartbreak or sadness or mouring, it’s far more dark that this. When u wake up and can’t simply get out of bed. No matter what. For whatever reason you’re stuck and you can’t explain it to anyone in a way they could possibly understand. I am so weak that talking clearly is almost impossible. Somehow I still manage to write. I can hardly stand and carry this weight.

    Then the depression slowly starts to fade and I transform yet again into the violent, temperamental monster I become when I’m not quite myself yet. I want to hit, break things, myself, others. I feel dangerous. Now on top of it, I have to work with people almost everyday and really put of the smile; it’s repulsive.

    I started the process yesterday of removing the skeletons from my closet, somewhat literally by throwing out mementos from a part of my past I no longer need to remember. It’s too painful and also what triggered the bulk of my depression. I have a wonderful life and I want to keep it that way. Bringing up old memories by seeing old faces that don’t belong in this chapter isn’t going to work for me. So the link’s been severed. All shall be well, in time. I wish the best to those in my past who are becoming distant memories. I look forward to the next chapter in my life, another one for the records. Each year has its battle for me against bipolar, but each time it leads to something better than before.
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