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  • This morning I woke abruptly. I quickly realized I had tears in my eyes. I had been crying in my sleep. Why? I tried to recall what I had been dreaming of. It was of one of my sons. He was trying to tell me something that I didn't want to hear. I was avoiding him. Finally his "girlfriend" cornered me. She began to tell me what I had known but tried to avoid - hoping that by not hearing it then it wouldn't be true. She told me that she and my son were in love. When she told me I started to cry. I wouldn't look at her and as she talked the tears rolled down my face and on to the papers I was busy reading.

    She said it was an accident. They had never intended it to happen. There were chance encounters over the course of several months - 12 of them to be exact. They kept finding each other through coincidence, one after another. They got to know each other, and after the last encounter realized they were in love.

    That's when I woke up. My tears were true. But Why? What was it that made me weep in a dream that had no basis in reality? Was it really about my son's lover? Yes, in the dream she was my age and there was a 27 year difference between them. But I was also grieving over the years lost to my son. Years of enjoying the freedom of youth by falling in love with someone so much older. Losing the innocence of youth, the feeling of omnipotence, the delightfulness of the new and just lived experiences, the loss of possibilities, of dreams, the ability to recreate your entire existence at the drop of a hat, the glorious feeling of delight at discovering your passions.

    I knew the dream was not about my son. It was about me...I was still crying. Why?

    I felt my soul grieve. Why? It was as though a wound inside me was seeping. The bandages covered the wound but it was infected and needed an outlet. So I let my soul grieve.

    As I cried, I thought of my life.
    Oh God, I am so, so busy!
    It is rare that I have an opportunity to take a moment to recall a dream.

    As I transition from working an ever stressful 60 hour a week corporate sales job from hell, I am spending the rest of my free time developing a lifestyle of my choosing - building a business from scratch; organic gardening, and marketing a delicious, vegan, alternative protein product and selling at markets, events and local businesses. All for the sake of being closer to nature, closer to me, closer to my passion, closer to recreating my entire existence at the drop of a hat. But at my age it is taking such a toll. I am overwhelmed and I am so tired.

    I have to remember to take time out for me!
    When and how I fit that in, I can't even imagine.
    All I know is that my soul cries
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