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  • I have been eating cereal for thirty or forty years now, so listen when I give you advice.

    Leave the spoon out of the bowl if you don't want things to spill.

    Try to touch every flake with the milkstream. Do it evenly, methodically, democratically. Baptize them all.

    Do not listen to the mob when they tell you not to let your cereal get soggy. ALL WET THINGS ARE SOGGY.

    And why are we stewing these pebbles and clusters in milk, if not because we WANT them to soak it all up? This is a public drowning. Let go of the socially-constructed norm called "crisp." Embrace the way this faux-formed kibble is restored by your magic milk to the genuine grit of grain as you scoop each sponge into your mouth.

    Scoop generously, rapidly. As the bowl slowly depletes, make merry with the floaters. Game with them. See how many errant flakes you can catch and stack into a single scoop. This game may very well be the only variety you have in this ritual for the remainder of your life.

    Rattle your spoon. Drink the remainder from the bowl, holding it aloft with two cupped hands, canting your head ceremoniously high as you gulp with glory.

    And always -- always -- slurp proudly.
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