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  • I was born in summertime. Again, and enough to wait the rebirth as a vice that occurs in the fade and rise of years. To me, summer means always the pain of a labor. In Portuguese we say a mother “gives to light” a child. I was given to a New Moon, and my search for light made me walk murky thoughts that seemed to reach a nadir in the end of my teenage.

    I was an uncontrollable bolide trespassing the atmosphere on Earth, on fire, awarded to self-destruction. I can’t explain where my mind was before becoming burning flesh and bone, like being stripped and submitting my furious pains to body hurts. In my wicked brain, every word was being measured to the very point of absolute, trying to keep my feet on the ground. Under the steady and heavy sun, supportive people who had for sure lesson that we have inner light and wisdom were not convincible anymore. The rocks in which I had my existence substantiated were becoming shadow and I couldn’t find alternatives where I was inserted into a plan of reality.

    The bunch of hard facts and events came to confirm my worst suspects, showing me the renewing kind of embodiment I was submitting all reality around to. Although it was a breaking-free discovering, it was a rough time for everybody; I was losing everything, aimed for death or madness, and in the end of the road I saw myself in a hot summer day, absolutely alone and insane.

    At that time I was abandoned, but I was minded to find out Reason behind reasons although I’d surely lose those who couldn’t bear the consequences to (real) death. Thus the abandonments were reciprocal. Noonday demon, I was introduced to him, telling me that as any other creature we can’t bear enlightenment – but we can recognize it when Real Light boils us. Real Light requires embodiment, and being small to nullity, I met only insignificances under the heavy burden of the highest Sun. My axis couldn’t guide me anymore; it even had melted and had no shadow to point me a safe place. Under Noonday demon reign, all the meanings I gathered through my life showed that existence is a bestial experience.

    The rocks of certainty were melted. I was drowned in an ocean of despair, but I could rebirth. Even though, when the sun comes heavy, I remember these moments again, over again, the sunlight washing down the ego, undoing virtues with the rage of a fire inside, the restless bodies and tongues decaying to vice and beckoning to disgrace. I feel myself, by myself.

    (Satellite photo from Eyjafjallajökull volcano at Ciência e Tecnologia website)
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