I have my fists. I have my teeth. And I have my anger.
Everything I need. I might not have siblings, but oh, I have cousins. And this time, she’d gone a step too far. All the injustices were rising up in a confused cloud. I felt like throwing rocks at her and busting into tears at the same time.
This time she was pretending I wasn’t there. It was an experiment. I was an experiment. A lab mouse.
Here she came.
“Hmmm. Why can’t I get through this doorway? Strange.”
She shoved me away.
Had I done something? Was she sick? Yet again, I was digging for the source and feeling smpathetic for the enemy. This was my weak point. What makes me so usable, pretty much my fate in the end. And my cousin knows it. Her mood can swing faster than the blink of an eye… her fate. I didn’t know how to use her there. My fate again. But when anger gets to this point, you don’t puppet your victim. You turn stupid. You use violence.
Now, I am not a violent person. I’ve only hit another being in karate, when we were all padded up and sparring for points.
This wasn’t like that.
As she passed, I gathered up this anger and injustice and jabbed our with my elbow. But before I could make contact with shirt, the gate between me and violence slammed down. I was scared. My movement slowed and I connected with a mere kitten tap. Not the cat fight I had imagined. She turned and looked at me. No, this horrid game was still going on: She looked through me. Boy, she was good at this.
“huh. That was strange. I must have rubbed against something.”
This seemed like a test. And to me, I had failed it. I was beyond throwing stones. I was at climbing into a pit and crying. Leaving the scene, I threw some last words over my shoulder:
“Go eat your butt, Sonya. Go be an idiot. I don’t care.”
This was a big accomplishment for me. I forced a cool walk all the way to the back porch, crying silently and smiling.
This was a small sample of life right there. I knew I would be in the same situation more than once again in the future.
Sooo…..off to study more karate.
All conversation in Turkish