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  • After being away from Singapore for awhile, staying with my parents appealed to me. From young, I never skipped a day without wishing them a good night’s sleep… Just in case it so happens to be the last of them I ever saw.

    But with a near decade of hostile exchanges, I’ve stopped expressing my fondness for them. Only through a period of separation from my stay in Oz could I overcome the psychological turmoil I once had, to find peace within.

    Unfortunately, it wasn’t to be because I had to choose between staying home and giving up a kitten where his adoption I had taken over, or leave. That was the ultimatum my dad gave to me.

    The choice was obvious. A life should never be at the mercy of anyone, let alone through a decision manifested from a discontent towards almost everything. Being preoccupied with minor issues for a few years, the ‘problem’ took over him. He became more depressed with everything in the external environment.

    This meant that the cat wasn’t really the culprit and giving him up will not be the means to an end of his misery. I thought my dad might have to lose a more important item in his life to start seeing his problems differently, which is to lose me temporarily so that he may stop brooding over what else is silly. I was prepared for the short period of being the blame for his disenchantment. I thought this parting for the potential of happiness in the long run is worth it. I was prepared.

    Mom was upset… at that point she had endured my dad’s moods long enough and dad got used to it. He was grumpy even to the one that took care of him. Rather than speak up, mom chose to give in but there is only that much a person can bear before breaking. Most relationships fail that way, by not communicating their feelings. Keeping mum and taking in stride isn't necessarily the right way to love. If the intent is to give happiness, then guidance should be the choice path.

    I didn’t want to see my parents’ relations strain to the point of a divorce. What if, that is. I told mom not to worry, nor get upset with dad, and stay hopeful that this may be the needed kick off and out of his state. I said she could always move in with me if ever she felt unbearable.

    It never got to that. From weeks it became months, until it hit the point of more than a year passing… If dad was at all regretful about his decision I might have seen a hint of it in the beginning following my departure… We kept contact and had friendly meet ups, but he was adamant to keeping with his decision, even when I tear.

    As if I could handle more… for an odd twist of perception through time’s selective retention, suddenly I was the one who left home of my own accord. Not denying its’ partial truth because I chose to leave with the kitten, but there was more to it obviously. Twice I tried to go home, and was denied entry. At that point dad and me weren’t speaking much anymore. He just took my bags away from the entrance nearer to where I stood, and walked away. Mom as well her viewpoint shifted to me being wilful. Suddenly I was the one who deserted them.

    I had nowhere to go once. I was out on the streets with a kitty in my bag, and three other bags of a mix of clothing and essentials. I didn’t want to call anyone because I wouldn’t dare to impose on someone who will be entrusted with a heavy responsibility as such. I called mom who wasn’t home when the incident occurred. She insisted that it couldn’t be true and after a couple of more text exchanges, she cried suicide.

    Not again. Instead of finding me a solution, she made another problem. This is her and will always be, I realized. And I knew she wouldn't kill herself. I was right, she was nonchalant and seem to be in good spirits when I spoke with her right the next day.

    Altogether, it was heart wrenching. I tried to recall if there were more upsetting behaviours from them in my childhood that I might have shut out, only choosing to retain the pleasant ones. I felt horrible and confused. I’ve always told people wonderful stories of my dad, the dad whom I admired for his level-headedness, ample creativity and the man to go to if you had a problem. But I lost that person to his problem. He wasn’t good at solving his own.

    For once in the longest time, I questioned what I’ve always regarded as my reality and the likelihood that I might be delusional after all.

    I had to juggle my work and my family issues, and many others… Finances were low and through the constant toil, I was starting to feel cold in the heart again. The same icy, emotionless sensation creeping in when I was in my early teens. The liberation of love for all living that I was born with, and finding that feeling again in Oz, the reason for daring to go onto this journey, is losing itself once again.

    How do I do what I do with no love? Saving the world is about loving the universal order and her creations.

    Once awhile I had a delusional ex-boyfriend coming to my rescue once, like when I had no place to stay for the night, only to return with more accusations of my involvement in setting up car chases and actually heading a worldwide secret order bent on tracking him. A whole list of stories and that is only a tip of the iceberg…

    I was exhausted. Taking care of him took more than my life force can muster. At first, It was compassion and hope that he would one day recover, but a year and a half of being led on wild goose chases and various sorts of threats you can only imagine, I was drained of any ounce of my emotional well-being. Once patient, I turned into a screaming bitch. It looked as if I’m slipping back into old ways. The person I hated being.

    He made one of the reasons for building my cause, to bring awareness to those whom nobody listened to anymore, where their words are turned on deaf ears, and for those that couldn’t speak, like my kitten. For any information provided to us may not really be what is. Out of convenience perhaps, for the people around them that medication is administered, or the methods of which to best care for them.

    Always question information we receive even if they are given by said experts. Just because we do not know does not make another know better. Textbooks outdate too. And humanity has been constricted in beliefs that have no justification, only seeking to contradict their hearts, leading to a whole world of cognition dissonance.

    Undoubtedly I have to keep to this path, for these to come to light. I want to bring this truth to the world.

    Only that I am spent.
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