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  • Dear you,

    I’m pretty sure what I’m doing is a bad idea… why am I talking to you… it was bad enough when I was only thinking about you, but now we are talking and I’ve given myself permission to let you know about little things that make me think of you . And now you know that I think of you. You may think that I think about you a lot, but I don’t text you or message you every time I think about you… so damn, I do think about you a lot. Well that is annoying… because of course I don’t think you think about me. I really wish you hadn’t told me that you kept all my text messages… because now I know you do still think about me. It was easier to work on getting over you by being mad at you for not thinking about me.

    Now I have to live in the real world of our break up… the one where you are hurt too. It makes it hard for me to understand why we aren’t together… these shades of grey we live in now… I mean if you miss me and you are hurt too why are we separated? Because we just weren’t making it work… we weren’t inspiring each other. There is this huge part of me that screams quietly “We are made for each other!! Why can’t you see that?!?!” But the rational part of me says… none of that matters, it doesn’t matter that we are meant to be together, because we are not. As simple as that… we are no longer dating…we decided that we could not give each other things that we needed. So it doesn’t matter how much I think we are meant to be. Simply put, we are unable to make each other happy.

    So I need to work on finding someone else who will enjoy my random links. I need to look for someone who enjoys my sense of humor, maybe someone who enjoys it more than you do. I need to find someone who realizes that my positive parts outweigh my negative ones. I need to be with someone who doesn’t make me feel like I’m jumping through hoops. I need to be with someone who’s not you. Which is unfortunate… because I still love you. And a part of me worries that it is easier to love you…even though we cannot make it work… than it is to let you go and make myself be opened to loving someone else. Even if you are my soul mate… that doesn’t matter if you don’t see it… if you don’t feel it too… and I can’t close myself off from things hoping that you will one day open your eyes and realize that I’m the person you want to be with… because if I do that the only thing I will accomplish is pissing my life away… giving you time that you don’t want or appreciate.

    I write this to make myself feel better, I write this to make myself understand my feelings better, I write this to make myself more honest (if with no one else but myself), I write this to try and keep myself from becoming passive aggressive. I wonder if by writing this out it will help me be more honest in my communication with you. I wonder if by writing this I will be able to learn to let you go. I wonder if I will allow myself to finally let you go, to say good bye and not look back at you… to be able to stop wondering, and if maybe, just maybe I can put this torch down and wonder in the dark until I find a new light in my life. I suppose this is all about me having the inner strength to wonder in the dark some… to stop trying to find a reason and just accept that this is what happened. Simply put we did not work. That is not to say I do not have growing to do… that is not to say that this is all your fault… that is not to say that I shoulder all the blame for this. But maybe what I need to learn to do is see that blame in the end will do no good… blaming myself nor blaming you will not lead to any actual closure on the subject, and maybe wanting to receiving closure is a futile wish. Acceptance, I suppose the biggest and most important lesson to be learned is to accept. I accept that there where things I could change, I accept that there are things I should have spoken up about, I accept that love is not enough. I wonder if I say it enough will I begin to believe these things? Maybe.

    I should go now. Until next time. I will file this in letters I will not be sending to you.

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