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  • We had no idea anything was wrong with him. He was my second son and I was drowsy after the labor when they took him "to prick his heel" but I suddenly realized a long time had passed. I looked at the clock over the door, it could not have been five whole hours, could it? I was struggling to get out of that bed with its' monkeybars, to go find him, when a nurse pushed open the heavy door. "Where's my baby," I asked.
    She said that he had turned blue, and they couldn't get his color back even under the oxygen tent. They'd called in a cardiologist and an emergency helicopter was taking my baby to a bigger hospital for children.
    I began stuffing clothes into plastic hospital bags, shaking my husband to wake him. Quickly quickly we must follow the baby and he finally woke up and rushed out. I woke up two days later. The room was empty, and dark. Later I learned that he'd told them to knock me out, so that I would get enough rest to deal with what was happening. If my baby boy had died while I slept, but thankfully that was not the case.
    Instead I harshly sobbed my way through a shower, scaring the nurse with my terrified noises, and dressed. I don't recall how I got from our tiny town to the city and the neo-natal intensive care unit. I just remember standing there, looking down at my little boy for the first time with a clear head. He was as much tubes as flesh, lines snaking out everywhere in his little plasticized pod. Babies screamed all around me.
    There was a man, a faceless doctor behind me. All of the adults were always faceless because this was the moment that my life changed. He stood right behind me, looking down at my son and he said, very clearly "your son most likely will not make it through the night."
    I could feel my entire being rise up in instant denial. I had no time for this person, his belief, his feelings, the room, the situation, nothing of that got through. All of my spirit bent in a huge surge of certainty as I leaned over my son's body. I told my baby boy "YOU WILL LIVE" and that is what he did.
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