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  • There are some really wonderful things about having kids. That's what sells good magazines, and makes advertising appealing. When their babies are cute, they make celebrities more likable. In the informational books they tell you about sleepless nights, and temper tantrums, colic and what to expect when you're expecting. A long time ago, post-partum depression was mentioned, and discussed just a little, but I don't recall any book or magazine telling me about what else comes with the joy. What comes and never, ever leaves.

    Fear.

    Maybe in the informational books new mothers get are different these days. But its difficult to translate and communicate the overwhelming fear that comes with being a parent. Or at least a mother. More people should know this before going in, I think. It should be in the books.

    They aren't always irrational fears, some of them are pretty valid. But tonight is one if those nights that I'm so afraid for my daughters well being that it's keeping me awake, crying, and afraid.

    She is a great girl. Smart, funny, lovely to be around. But she's so fragile. I see my faults as a parent more and more as she gets older. She is totally unprepared to be on her own. So much so that she believes that to be true and has no intentions of ever being alone.

    I'm not afraid someone is going to hurt her in the sense of breaking her heart. That is an unfortunate reality. I'm afraid of bigger things. I'm afraid someone is going to break her. Rape her...or worse.

    I'm afraid she will find herself alone and unprepared. I'm afraid she'll never tell anyone and bear it alone.

    I'm afraid for her future and that she won't succeed. I'm afraid she'll settle for bad friends and the wrong guy. I'm afraid she'll give up.

    I'm afraid I'm crazy. I'm afraid because these aren't the worst, or even the most graphic of my fears. I'm afraid my fearful thoughts are present more than they should be.

    I need help. Where's the village Mrs. Clinton talked about? I'm disappointed in myself for not covering everything with her. Single parents have an enormous responsibility. Being both parents. But I suppose it doesn't matter if you're married or single. Raising children to be healthy, responsible, safe adults is really just.....hard.

    And now I guess, instead of afraid, I'm just angry.
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