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  • My housemates are gone. May is now over. So too is my relationship.

    I'm experiencing many endings and it's bringing up fear.

    My teeth are chattering inside my head as I pace about the house full of nervous energy.

    I should just sit and work on that outline. I should just sit and apply for that job. I should just sit and work on that query for that magazine I want to write that article for.

    But I don't.

    Instead I've spent today taking deep gulps of breath having been turned down for a part-time job at Target. Target? Yes, Target.

    "How could that be?" I wonder to myself. And what on earth happens in Plan C?

    I'm watching my bank account decline, yet I have faith that something great is just around the corner.

    This is why I'm scared. Scared of this chair. Scared of this desk. Scared of the pen and paper sitting to my right. Scared of this computer and Word and Scrivener and Gmail and.... and... and...

    So, I rearranged. I make some more changes to add to the changes that are occurring uncontrollably around me.

    This afternoon I moved my writing office into the larger spare room where there is more light and space to dream, hope and keep the faith.

    Light makes all the different to me, especially when change is the prominent theme of the day. When the darkness comes that's when I lose sight of the future and all the possibilities. I struggle to make it through to the next day. I can't sleep, I can't read, I can do much but lie and listen to the butterflies smacking their wings off my solar plexus.

    My fear loves the darkness and even when the light does finally reappear, if I'm not strict enough and disciplined enough with myself to sit down and scribble out my three pages as soon as I get up, the fear isn't washed away by the light coming through the windows. It hovers and lingers until I find myself pulling down the blinds and switching the lights on again having accomplished next to nothing.

    I know this is the resistance building and nothing more. That's why I still have hope. I just hope that my faith is enough to get me through to whatever is yet to change for me.

    And I wish everyone around me whose lives are catapulting forward into the future all the best in their new endeavors.

    As it has been for them, thankfully change for me is also inevitable.
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