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  • I need to be clear in my mind on what I am to do.
    The fact is, whether I asked for it or not, I exist. And I won't be able to take advantage of that condition until I have at least a clear idea on the terms, attributes and reach of such existence I happen to have. Oddly enough, one of the obstacles I feel to be more annoying is my own brain and what I and other people call "reason." It presents to me as an obstacle to understanding the much bigger, much deeper, eternal self I know deep inside me I have. It drags me down to this narrow-sighted vision of reality around me, making me make short-term decisions, considering only a few years that are really nothing compared to the pond of infinity in which I am evolving. I wouldn't care too much then, about what I do on this material world, if it weren't for the fact that I feel that every time I wonder back and forth I am actually reflecting on a much more important process of such eternal self I give for granted. So I wish I could step outside, take a long look at my own self, and decide what I am to do, and do it with strength and courage. I would kind of hate just being dragged by the stream of this generation, only to find myself, after many "acceptable years" at a barren place with no exit.I want to be exactly: "the man God said I could be." Nothing less, for then I'd be wishing for less love, and not for more. I just want to be free and happy.
    Not TV-happy. That kind of happiness that is so deep-rooted within yourself it makes you serious, and it keeps your engines moving in the driest, toughest ground; inviting others to this marvelous experience of being connected to God: the source of it all. Yet I can't help but feeling everyday I am falling away from him. I need a strong rescuer, that will take away my dirt-filled clothes and will make me clean again -shinny, robustly clean. That will take away my dirt-filled mind, and will make me see-through clear. Holy, and deeply happy, and absolutely free.
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