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  • I jumped in, willing to take the risk, unable to see the pain that was yet to come. I thought you were the one for me. Maybe you were, but the truth of the matter was that I wasn't the one for you. I see that clearly now.

    The anger was shaking my bones. My heart was beating like a drum. Energy was pulsing through my body. Why couldn't you tell me? Why couldn't you release me when you knew I would be holding on? How could you break your promise, when you promised me that you'd tell me when you met someone new, someone that turned out to be the real one for you?

    And through Facebook? I never took you for a cliche...

    You once told me to chase happiness, but didn't realize that you were that happiness and therefore made my happiness into an aching sadness, but maybe I was wrong about you, about us, about our love.

    I don't think I was.

    Whether I was or not, you know from my side it was true and that is what counts anyway.

    It's okay. I will not judge. I know it's not personal. I'm angry, but in many ways relieved and happy for now I can live my life for me instead of wondering how I can fit you into my plan.

    And I want you to be happy too, which you seem to be now. Without me.

    You had been searching. I didn't realize this, but I see it clearly now. Your life was converging in that moment in which the lack of me allowed for her to enter and truly join in union with you in a way I obviously couldn't provide. So now I sit like Sita and allow this space of desire to open around all we could have had and would have had if I hadn't left, if you hadn't left, if we hadn't continued down the road of life apart.

    I'm open to this expansion so that I may use this desire to explore myself and my reactions to it. So I can figure out why we didn't work out. So I can remain open to the true, deep love I have for you and ultimately for myself. So I can question why I keep repeating the same patterns over and over again in love. So I can appreciate all the things you told me about yourself that I know wouldn't have been good for me - the control, the inability to be vulnerable (though you couldn't help yourself with me, could you?), the lack of interest in me, the unwillingness to sacrifice for the beauty we shared between us.

    There are moments that pass when I want to cut you out of my life like I've done so many times in the past, but you're my first love and I cannot do that. I refuse to do that. I choose not to do that this time.

    I know what you felt for me was true. I could see it in your eyes when we made love. I could see it in your eyes when we sat in that British pub, surrounded by your friends, taking it all in, watching each other, looking at each other, completely captivated by the gift that our union had brought us.

    I believe now that we were only meant to bump into each other rather than wait awhile. There were lessons to be learned. You were preparing yourself for the right one. I was learning the lesson of sinking into the gap around desire.

    Like I told you before I'm thankful to you for the lessons you taught me. And I thank you for allowing me to love you for that brief time although you've thrown my love back in my face.

    Truth be told, you were a coward. You dumped me into the category of all your ex-girlfriends when you believed I would freak out on you if you told me the truth. You believed I would yell and scream and cry and weep, and possibly beg for you to come back to me. I know this because you once showed me a text from another woman you treated badly, asking me to commiserate with you on how crazy she was for asking where you were and why you wouldn't contact her back.

    I had a flashing thought at that time that if I ever got together with you, one day you would be showing a text to your new love asking her to commiserate with you over how crazy I was. But you were wrong. And you know it.

    There have been no crazy texts, ranting, raving or questioning. There have only been love letters, tiny notes of passion, joy and love, and postcards filled with gratitude. So, it's not me you have really done a disservice to by choosing the easy way out. You have done a disservice to yourself. You have prevented yourself from growing in relationship with anyone yet to come because you dared not face me with the truth that you didn't want me anymore.

    This leaves things open between us and vague. We haven't broken up, but we are not together. If I see you again and you are alone, will you still want me in that ferocious, ever lasting way you once showed me? Do you believe that I'll still want you when I now see you for the coward you are and the insecure, vulnerable young man I used to see in your eyes whenever I cradled you in my arms?

    Who's to say what will happen?

    I know I don't and won't wish you any harm, for I chose to love in this lifetime, not hate. No doubt you'll probably be to late, anyway. For you were my stepping stone to a new way of living and loving. By the time you arrive back in my life I know I'll be flying for it is only a matter of time for me, time that you were not willing to wait.

    One thing I want you to remember is that I was willing to walk away at the end and let you be happy moving on, but you asked me to stay loving you. You asked me to hold on, to come visit you again. Now you've pushed me away like I'm the crazy one, the one that can't let go, the one that sits at home crying over the state of my broken heart and our broken union.

    But I want you to know that while I may cry, I'm really just sitting. Sitting, waiting and watching the space around me expand. And learning that the love I've been showing you is really the love I have for myself. And this love knows that the secret to accepting the loss of you is in not in rushing onto the next thing. That would be like applying a BandAid the gaping wound you have left behind.

    It's like the woman I watched at the coffee shop today. It was pouring with rain. She was riding her bike. She was soaking wet, but jumped off her bike and took shelter under a nearby umbrella. She knew she was wet and that the umbrella would do no more than stop her from getting wetter, but she sat, she pondered and she made up her mind to wait the rain out. When the rain stopped after a short time, she got back on her bike and continued on.

    It's this pause that I'm reveling in. That pause after the downpour. I'm feeling out the land, checking to see if it's still raining before I continue on my journey. This pause allows me to connect with the divine, the divine that I thought I could only reach through the portal we created together.

    Turns out I am that portal to the divine and I don't need you in my life to access it.

    So while it may still hurt as I wait for the rain to stop pouring, because I still love you and always will,
    I wish you all the happiness in the world and know that in order to provide this I must never contact you again.

    Be safe. Be happy. Be loved.

    I'll be.
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