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  • I feel I don't have enough time to be with all the people I love
    I am aware of it all the time
    At times it makes me want to clamp up
    block out the light
    makes me look at the age I am
    wonder at the relevance of the number
    count out how many more I have
    and the path ahead feels like it will take me to be with all
    but be with no one

    It used to be scary
    it isn't anymore, I take full breaths now
    I never could, earlier
    I lived for the longest time, on quarter gasps of breath
    Now I feel kinship with trees deeply
    my city plants listen to me as I sing to them, they grow,
    they show off their swift movement
    my dog rests his head on my shoulder as I lie on the grass
    he watches the sky with me, buries my cigarette boxes in holes in the garden
    babies raise their hands up to me to be carried on the street
    my father tells me what he is most fearful of
    everything blends
    I try mimicking it sometimes in my films..
    this flight.

    I might never have the words to explain enough
    It is my truth alone.
    Inexplicable, pulsating, sulphurous, spewing violet smoke, smelling of my grandfather's cupboard of diaries
    I see it flitting about once in awhile
    especially when the landscape never ends
    when there are no guides for the composition
    when there is nothing to align with

    At these times, I remember something I learnt last summer in the mountains
    the idea of being beginningless

    It is the only idea that makes me move ahead
    for the sake of the next one who will be beginningless after me
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