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  • As I was riding the Metro into work this morning, there was an obnoxious conductor who had the volume on the P.A. turned up really loud, so I donned my ear buds and started listening to my favorites listing. The song Iris, by the GooGoo Dolls came on. It was one of those moments when a song’s lyrics matched nearly precisely what I was feeling:
    --------------------------------------------------------------
    And I'd give up forever to touch you
    'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
    You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
    And I don't want to go home right now
    And all I can taste is this moment
    And all I can breathe is your life
    'Cause sooner or later it's over
    I just don't want to miss you tonight

    And I don't want the world to see me
    'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
    When everything's made to be broken
    I just want you to know who I am

    And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
    Or the moment of truth in your lies
    When everything feels like the movies
    Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

    And I don't want the world to see me
    'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
    When everything's made to be broken
    I just want you to know who I am

    I just want you to know who I am
    I just want you to know who I am
    I just want you to know who I am

    Lyrics by Johnny Rzeznik, GooGoo Dolls, "Iris"
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  • In that strange way that song lyrics express what you’re feeling, that only really makes sense to you at the time, this song nailed how I was feeling about Cowbird this morning. However, in my case, the tears were coming. Yes, I was crying. It probably won’t be the last time I do, over these next 19 days of Cowbird’s life. It’s not all sad tears – it’s just emotions that are taking me over, not unlike those I have felt when a friend or family member has died, and my dear, sweet Cowbird brothers and sisters, I am letting them out. I can’t keep them in. I do not suppress my emotions any longer. I did that for too many years in my life, and you guys have taught me a way to express them, that helps to make sense of them. So, here it is.

    I didn’t give up forever to touch you, but I’ve given up a lot of moments of my life to share my life with you, and to be there as you shared yours with me, and the rest of Cowbird. Because I knew that you felt me somehow, and you knew that I felt you, somehow. In many ways, yes, you have been the closest to heaven that I have felt. This has been sublime, this time spent with you, here. Heaven here on earth. And no – I don’t want to go home right now. I want to stay here with you. I don’t want them to turn the Cowbird lights out. Don’t do it!

    But right now, I am here, in this moment, and yes, this is all I can taste. I am going to fully relish this taste, this moment, this time, this glorious shared space we’ve enjoyed, I am going to be here as much as I can, while I can. Unless they kick me out prematurely, which they could do if they wanted to. I’ll try to behave.

    All I can breathe is not your life, but our life. Mine, and yours. I have never been totally “stuck” here, or living vicariously through any of you. I have LIVED and BREATHED and sung and danced and dove for fly balls, and swam, and cruised, and been to the mountaintops, and been deep in the forests, and witnessed incredible beauty, in my life, and shared that with you. You’ve done the same. We breathed each other’s lives, here.
  • Yes, sooner or later it’s over – now, it looks like sooner than later. I just don’t want to miss you tonight. Tonight, we’re still here. I’m still breathing. Cowbird is still flying high.

    Before I got here, I didn’t want the world to see me, the real me, because I knew they wouldn’t understand. They wouldn’t understand all of the parts of me that have been broken, so you hide that away, and play at the game of life. Here, I just wanted you to know who I really am, and you wanted to know. So, I told you. I held nothing back. Maybe I overshared? (Ya think? Haha!)

    But, at the end of it all, I can say that I don’t fight tears that are coming, I let them come, and I let them go. As I said, they’re tears of sorrow for the pending loss of this great place where we’ve met for 5 years now, but they’re also tears of joy that we got to have this experience. Tears of gratitude, mainly towards Jonathan and Dave and others who facilitated this experience. What they created here was exceptional. We made the most of it too, didn’t we? We did.

    It never felt like the movies here – it always felt quite real. We shared the truth in our lies, we bled just to know we’re alive. We bled in each other’s wounds.

    I’m still bleeding, but it’s alright, Ma – it’s only a mortal wound. I’ll be okay in the next life. Heaven is just up the road and around the corner. I’ll make it there – I hope some of you make it with me.
  • Next song on my earbuds was this. Kind of relevant, as well. I feel like we just got booted out of Neverland by Peter Pan:
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    There was a time when I was alone
    Nowhere to go and no place to call home
    My only friend was the man in the moon
    And even sometimes he would go away, too

    Then one night, as I closed my eyes
    I saw a shadow flying high
    He came to me with the sweetest smile
    Told me he wanted to talk for awhile

    He said, "Peter Pan, that's what they call me
    I promise that you'll never be lonely," and ever since that day

    I am a lost boy from Neverland
    Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
    And when we're bored we play in the woods
    Always on the run from Captain Hook

    "Run, run, lost boy," they say to me
    Away from all of reality

    Neverland is home to lost boys like me
    And lost boys like me are free
    Neverland is home to lost boys like me
    And lost boys like me are free

    He sprinkled me in pixie dust and told me to believe
    Believe in him and believe in me
    Together we will fly away in a cloud of green
    To your beautiful destiny

    As we soared above the town that never loved me
    I realized I finally had a family
    Soon enough we reached Neverland
    Peacefully my feet hit the sand

    And ever since that day

    I am a lost boy from Neverland
    Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
    And when we're bored we play in the woods
    Always on the run from Captain Hook

    "Run, run, lost boy," they say to me
    Away from all of reality

    Neverland is home to lost boys like me
    And lost boys like me are free
    Neverland is home to lost boys like me
    And lost boys like me are free

    Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, Wendy Darling
    Even Captain Hook, you are my perfect story book
    Neverland, I love you so
    You are now my home sweet home
    Forever a lost boy at last

    And for always I will say

    I am a lost boy from Neverland
    Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
    And when we're bored we play in the woods
    Always on the run from Captain Hook

    "Run, run, lost boy," they say to me
    Away from all of reality

    Neverland is home to lost boys like me
    And lost boys like me are free
    Neverland is home to lost boys like me
    And lost boys like me are free

    Lyrics by Ruth B.
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