I didn't know how to navigate being a mother, still don't. I don't remember being mothered-mine left early and her replacement was not equipped. I watched and still watch others with their moms, what would have been my normal? But there was no question in my mind I wanted to bring life into this world. I wanted to commit to bringing individuals who loved and lived life as much as I did. How quickly I realized there is no engineering this. I grew two unique, beautiful, babies inside my belly two years apart and they both came into the world in the usual way. Their births broke me open and delivered me into a land that left me full, helpless, scared, confident, strong and broken. There is no compass for this mothering. Their childhoods were filled with wonder for us all. The good, bad, the ugly. Their lives filled the house and hours and I was full. I could have done this mothering in so many other ways, but I felt that I only had time to put one foot in front of the other to make it through a day. And they grew, and I grew and then. And then. At 18 they left to discover what was out in the world. And I hope I filled their toolbox with what they needed for now. I know this emptiness of heart and home will fill periodically with their experience and fill me up again. I now discover and find again the non-mother. I was here all along, compass-less. A full and empty heart.