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  • I stayed up until 2:30 a.m. watching "Dances with Wolves" (again). I told myself I wouldn't. I suppose it says something about me that the most disturbing parts of that movie are when Lieutenant Dunbar's horse is shot many times and then shortly later the wolf he was attempting to tame. I blame Lieutenant Dunbar for both of those. For the horse because he was stupid enough to leave the Indian camp and return to his old post to even stupider white men bent on destroying the west. And for the wolf because he tried to tame it, and if he hadn't, it would have run away instead of standing there. (Why do we feel we have to own everything? - just leave nature alone!)

    I know...I know...it's just a movie. I should really be appalled at the decimation of a people (Native Americans) which I understand was a lesson Hitler took from our history book on how to destroy a people and attempt to create a master race. Is that what we did?

    - No, don't answer that. I'm feeling sort of sick today, anyway. Sick at heart that is.

    The other western movie that I think is truly a masterwork (under-looked), ... but that I also hate to watch is, "Lonely Are the Brave," with Kirk Douglas. This story is the epitome of the definition of being alone or loneliness and also what happens when nature encounters modernity. His horse dies in the end. I always try to turn it off before that happens, but I get hooked and end up torturing myself, anyway. And I do blame his character for the horse dying too.

    One of the things Lieutenant Dunbar said that struck me was something to the effect that many times he had felt alone but never "lonely." But now he felt "lonely." I have felt lonely this week. It is odd when you have family (and a few friends, I think) and you still feel lonely. I imagine that is the true human condition and we only kid ourselves that it isn't true. I guess since I quit my job and have had two weeks off before my new job starts I am contemplative. I work so hard that I always look forward to vacation and brief traveling trips, but my husband and son are the true definition of "debbie downers" (no offense to all you Debbie's out there - not sure where the saying came from) and I struggle to enjoy myself under those conditions. I may go somewhere by myself this next year. I'm seriously considering it. I am unable to get them enthused to do anything my second week off and have just submerged myself in depression and a pity party while consuming westerns on TV. The thing I know is that next week I will start my new job and immerse myself in that and the illusion of maintaining some sense of importance. In other words - denial is bliss.
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