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  • It happened so suddenly. It came out of left field. The day I had longed for my entire life, up to that point, not even knowing that I was waiting for it until it appeared, but when it did, I knew - this was the day I had waited for my whole life.

    The day that a deep and all-encompassing love for another overtook my entire being. I did not know that anything like that was even possible, or even if it was, certainly not for me. I knew that she felt it, too. She said that she did, but didn’t have to. I could tell that she did.

    We had a couple of days where we shared the feeling, the oneness of it. We were on the Fall Retreat of the Pilgrim Fellowship. It was a glorious two days. Everyone could see that there was something special going on there. We glowed.

    I was sure that it was the beginning of something lasting. I don’t know why I felt that way, but I did.
    She apparently had other ideas. It did not fit her plans for the future.

    She was determined to become a female pilot. In 1972, there were not many of them. She knew that it would take a concerted effort on her part to achieve her dreams. Romance was not in her plans. She'd seen her sisters get consumed by it, and wanted no parts of it.

    When we went back to civilization, to the real world, she was able to file it away as a lovely two day memory, and get on with achieving her goals. I became an unfortunate inconvenience, and represented something that could mess that all up. She made it clear that she was not interested in the budding romance that I was filled with. I felt like I'd just gotten hit head-on by a freight train. I went into a state of shock.

    I thought, at the time, that it had destroyed me. The intensity of the feelings, the anger, the disbelief, the unfairness of it all - how someone could turn something like that on and off, just like that – I just couldn’t understand it, couldn’t begin to fathom it. It would take me quite awhile to recover from it.

    Thus was born the poet in me. The words just poured out of me. They weren’t really that good, but it was the only thing I could do to express my emotions at the time. It did help.

    This was probably the one that most nailed how I felt after my 2 day romance, my first love, crashed on the rocks of life.

    Ruins (11/28/72)

    Loneliness cries deep from my soul
    Helplessness grows like cancer I’m told
    Emptiness leaves me with no one to hold
    Ugliness surrounds my heart which grows cold

    Memories remain, such bittersweet reminders
    On these days when it rains I know I must find her
    Our love is now pain, our hearts like cold grinders
    My tongue cannot taste, my eyes they grow blinder

    As lovers we were free, to do as we felt
    Like fresh snow were we, but now we have melted
    To know her was to love, to touch her was to feel
    But she’s flown like a dove to a world stark and real

    They say I’m a dreamer, I don’t know, that may be
    But to me it just seems that her love was for me
    How have I fallen into such a deadly trap?
    They all said I’d get lost, I thought I’d the right map!

    Yesterday’s tomorrow should have been today;
    She promised no sorrow, but now she’s gone to stay;
    What I thought was real love was only shifting sands
    I know she didn’t mean this, but she destroyed a man…

    Great castles now ruins, alone by the sea,
    I gaze at the moon, asking “What will I be?”
    I felt love so strong, and a passion so true
    Dear God, what’s so wrong with saying “I love you”?
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